Month: August 2009

Fuck, I Lost

I thought Andy Griffith was dead… but it turns out Matlock is alive and well and he’s here in the new comedy “Play the Game” alongside Paul Campbell.

The story is relatively simple. ells the story of a young ladies man, David, who teaches his lonely, widowed grandfather how to play the dating game, while playing his best games to win over Julie, the girl of his dreams. But as David’s “foolproof” techniques prove to be anything but in his pursuit of Julie, the same techniques quickly transform Grandpa into the player of the retirement community. Slowly, the teacher becomes the student, and Grandpa must teach David how to win back the love of his life.

Old people jokes are abound in here, and acting vets Doris Roberts and Marla Sokoloff come of well as horny retirement home ladies.

Yes this movie won some award and the Ft. Lauderdale Film Festival. Big surprise, it’s a movie about old people and no one under the age of 50 lives in that town.

Strong performances all around. Andy Griffith has aged well. But this movie just can’t escape being just another formulaic romantic comedy despite the cast. But many laughs are provided that truly make this film stand out. Here’s hoping for a wide release


And Now We Know… and We Wish We Didn't

I couldn’t avoid seeing to anymore. Gladly I didn’t pay money to see it so those fucking Hollywood executives don’t have my support.

G.I. Joe was a benchmark of my childhood. It taught everyone that watched, it didn’t matter what you did. Everyone is good at something. And everyone is useful in some sort of strange way. Yes, even Snowjob.

All those nice themes have been abandoned by hollywood in, “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” .

Starring up and coming lame-o action staring Channing Tatum (That just SOUNDS like a fucking dumbass action guy name) and Marlin Waynes (God save the queen). They play “Duke” and “Ripcord”. Yes, a lot of your G.I. Joe favorites show up. Snake Eyes, Baroness, Heavy Duty. But none of them really differentiate from one another like they did back in the day.

Apparently, Duke was transporting some missile that had a bunch of small nano-creature-thingys that could eaet shit real fast. And of course, they get that shit jacked by Cobra eventually. But throughout the course of that are a number of very forced romances, poor and or corny dialogue, and why the fuck is no one’s base guarded? People just just straight up working into bases and raising hell.

The movie dosen’t hold back on the explosions. Not as many as Michael Bay (by a fucking longshot) but very close. But I swear to God, if I see one more car get flipped the fuck over by a Hummer was a damn snowplow I’m gonna kill somebody.

Everything in the movie is highly unnecessary. Explosions, dumb romances, and plot holes is the name of the game here. ou really don’t even care about the characters anymore halfway though, they’re so one dimensional. The only saving grace is the fight between a young Snake Eyes and Stormshadow. Way to go Hollywood at destroying another one of my childhood memories.


Might I add, there were no PSAs in the movie. But I’ll share one with you right now.

Now we know…

Dr. Dr. Gimmie The News. I Got A Bad Case of Killin' Jews

Quentin Tarantino is the director I wanna be someday. I can truly think of no one who can take a heavy drama… bash some heads in all while providing some unexpected laughs. Pulp Fiction, my favorite film by him, does that is such a flawless fashion… there’s no surprise he won an Oscar for “Best Original Screenplay” that year.

Because is there a sign that says, “Dead Nigger Storage”?

Last night I caught his new film Inglorious Basterds. It’s not his best film…

However, it’s his damn second best film. No one does dialogue quite like this man can.

Those of you who were expecting a straight up action movie, you are so retarded. This was more of a drama filled with gut wrenching violence served on a silver platter.

The badass cast includes, Brad Pitt, Diane Kruger, Mike Myers, Eli Roth, and a buttload of cameos (lol Sam Jackson)

The story jumps around though a number of characters making their way to a cinema to murder Hitler and other high Nazi officers. But that’s really all I’m gonna tell you about the plot. It’s so fucking good, I don’t want to spoil a thing.

Still bloody, still twisted. Quentin Tarantino does it yet again. I’m expected the general public isn’t going to like this. They were expecting more violence. But I need my scalps… we’re in the killin Nazi business sirs and ma’ams. Go buy a fucking ticket before I call out The Bear Jew.


Why Faye Dunaway!? Why!?

Those of you who live under a rock and don’t know who Faye Dunaway is… sit. Let me educated you.

She won an Oscar for the movie “Network” and was nominated for films “Chinatown” and the movie that changed movies “Bonnie and Clyde”. Since then she’s been in a pretty good movie or TV show every couple of years.

I guess everyone wants to be like Cloris Leachman these days. Being in those movies that young people like to watch. Connecting with the young people. But Faye is no Cloris Leachman, who has deep roots in comedy and pretty much has runwith the script.. Faye is basically serious cat in serious thread. But then serious cat is forced to be not so serious… or die. That’s what you get from her here.

Cougar Club is movie in question. It’s about two young adult males who, under really fucking bizzare circumstances, decide to hold Cougar parties at the houses and let the women have their way with the young men of their choice.

This could be very funny. But you can only make so many jokes about anal sex and have Carrie Fisher blow you so many times that it ceases to become funny.

Even with Dunaway and Fisher in this film… not even Jesus could save this one. You can find it in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. Not the regular one. The one that’s in a random aisle and barely catches your eye. Bottom line.  Fuck this movie. Doesn’t get an F because the appearance of Carrie Fisher in anything becomes lolzworthy.


Hidden Gems: If you don't like Heavy Metal you are a communist.

That’s my whole first paragraph taken care of right there. 2000’s installment of the beautiful magazine/comic book/boob rag features everything you love.

Sexual humor, excessive violence, outer space, boobs.

But underneath all the boobs, there’s quite a bit going on story wise.

A planet is wiped out and it’s up to it’s last survivor to take revenge on a possessed man.

Most of it is beautifully hand drawn in the big boobed Heavy Metal fashion with some surprisingly good physics. It dosen’t get boring for a second, except for a moment during the final battle which I won’t spoil for you. But lets just say it’s too long.

You really feel sorry for the movie’s villain halfway through, he keep trying to get layed but is constantly interrupted. Whether it’s general cockblocking, being shot, or being stabbed.

Adult Animation is really the wave of the future, the kids have grown up… but not quite. Movies like this remind us of the beauty of cartoons, while praying on our more primal desires. There’s another Heavy Metal movie set for release next year, we can only hope it’s just as sweet.


Hidden Gems: Much Ado About Nothing

Shakesphere. You can never go wrong.

If you don’t know the plot. Wiki it. It’s really confusing. Just look at the poster. This work transcends are genres by constantly jumping from one to another.

Sure it must have worked better on stage, but with an ensemble like Kenneth Branagh,  Michael Keaton, Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington and Emma motherfucking Thompson… you can’t go wrong at all. You also gotta love Reeves with an English accent.

For the longest, I didn’t even know this movie exsisted. But it has like… every good actor ever in it.

I’ll say this right now, I am not a Denzel Washington fan… in the least. And this doesn’t change my mind. The few scenes he’s in, he just looks and seems to feel out of place… being the only black dude in the movie can do that to you I suppose.

All and all, it’s the same hilarious, sexy fun that only the Bard can deliver. And if anything is worth your time, Emma Thompson’s performance is.


The Singing Shark Would Be Proud

MAN! It sure was a blockbuster summer

This is all you need to see.

I’ll wait.

The horror you just witnessed was “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus”

What’s it about? Well… there’s  this big ass shark and this big ass octopus… and they fight each other eventually.

The movie was SUPPOSED to be in 3D… but they run out of budget for that… so it got released as is.

The airplane attack I showed you was the best part of this film period. I really hope Gibson and Lamas continue to fade into obscurity and that the gods will have mercy on their souls.  Torrent this if you want. Or just favorite the airplace clip on Youtube. I did.


Pig Launch GO!

Every now and then, I find myself wandering into a movie, not knowing what to expect. It’s a thrilling feeling.

The latest movie to do that was called “District 9”.

Those of you who think this movie is 100 original, think again. There was a movie back in the day called “Alien Nation”.  IMDB it. Same basic concept… minus the Quake III weaponry.

The movie is about an MNU field operative named Wikus van der Merwe who is assigned the task of relocating the 1.8 million aliens to a new “District 10” camp located 240 km from Johannesburg, with help from private security forces working for MNU. While inspecting a suspicious alien residence, Wikus handles an alien device like a dumb ass and it  sprays a dark liquid into his face. Wikus soon starts to have violent symptoms and eventually sprouts an alien arm.

The government of course wants him after they realize he can actually activate alien weaponry. And the chase is on. Wikus wonders the wildness, and so on.

Not to give too much away. A lot of shit goes splat in this movie. And all I can say… I never thought one of the best movies of the year would include pig launches.

Neill Blomkamp has proven himself to be a more then competent director (nice choice by producer Peter Jackson.) Will there be a sequel. Yes. Unfortunately there will be. I don’t see there being a story that isn’t cliché coming from a sequel. So I can only pray that it doesn’t see the light of day. At least not in the same docu-action format was have right now.

All and all, it was quite a ride. South Africa continues to fuck up. People get exploded. And pigs get fuckin launched at motherfuckers. It seems a tad short, but this new director deserves your money. Period.


Hidden Gems: Across The Universe

Is anybody going to listen to my story. All about the girl who came to stay. She’s the kind of girl…

Okay, if you haven’t gotten the point already, this movie is Beetles related.

Across the Universe came out in early 2007 is a very limited release. It’s directed by the one and only Julie Taymor, the mind behind “The Lion King” Broadway show. The movie stars Evan Rachel Wood, Jim Sturgess, and Joe Anderson. Along with some sweet cameo’s from Bono, Eddie Izzard and Salma Hayek.

I know we’ve all heard “The Beetles” more then some of us would like (I honestly can’t get enough of them.) But having these fresh, very innovative covers complete with fucked up music videos and dance sequences. Bono sings “I am the Walrus”, that’s all you need to know. And the “Let it Be” sequence is one of very few in film that’s brought me to a few tears, take that for what you will.

As far is what the movie is really about, that’s really not a relevant question. A better question is, “What is it not about?” They touch  on love, war, death, the power of rock, jealously, and hardcore drug use as a group of young people struggle to find their way through

Bottom line,  anyone who loves music needs to check this out. I regularly have this soundtrack on cue as I write, it’s fucking catchy. Here’s to hoping they release some of these covers with “Beetles Rock Band” next month.