I couldn’t avoid seeing to anymore. Gladly I didn’t pay money to see it so those fucking Hollywood executives don’t have my support.
G.I. Joe was a benchmark of my childhood. It taught everyone that watched, it didn’t matter what you did. Everyone is good at something. And everyone is useful in some sort of strange way. Yes, even Snowjob.
All those nice themes have been abandoned by hollywood in, “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” .
Starring up and coming lame-o action staring Channing Tatum (That just SOUNDS like a fucking dumbass action guy name) and Marlin Waynes (God save the queen). They play “Duke” and “Ripcord”. Yes, a lot of your G.I. Joe favorites show up. Snake Eyes, Baroness, Heavy Duty. But none of them really differentiate from one another like they did back in the day.
Apparently, Duke was transporting some missile that had a bunch of small nano-creature-thingys that could eaet shit real fast. And of course, they get that shit jacked by Cobra eventually. But throughout the course of that are a number of very forced romances, poor and or corny dialogue, and why the fuck is no one’s base guarded? People just just straight up working into bases and raising hell.
The movie dosen’t hold back on the explosions. Not as many as Michael Bay (by a fucking longshot) but very close. But I swear to God, if I see one more car get flipped the fuck over by a Hummer was a damn snowplow I’m gonna kill somebody.
Everything in the movie is highly unnecessary. Explosions, dumb romances, and plot holes is the name of the game here. ou really don’t even care about the characters anymore halfway though, they’re so one dimensional. The only saving grace is the fight between a young Snake Eyes and Stormshadow. Way to go Hollywood at destroying another one of my childhood memories.
D-
Might I add, there were no PSAs in the movie. But I’ll share one with you right now.
Wolfen Films 