Month: August 2009

A Lil' Ole Bitty Pissant Country Place

Dolly Parton has tits.

This is true.

Texas, has a whorehouse in it. Lord of mercy on our souls. I’ll expose the facts although it fills me with disgust…
No, actually just the opposite.
It came out a good five years before I was born, but still one of the dirtiest movies I’ve ever seen. And what’s this? Dolly actually looks human? gasp!

The movie, like Ms. Mona’s girls; dirty with plenty of class.
It’d be great to take another trip to Ms. Mona’s. The musical is a dead art form.

We all know “World War 2”. It’s like… the only interesting war ever. So many video games and movies made off it. It’s good to see a breath of fresh air every now and then. This time, it’s brought to you by Kathryn Bigelow‘s “The Hurt Locker”.

In Iraq, a U.S. Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) unit is forced to play a dangerous game of cat and mouse in the chaos of war in a city where everyone is a potential enemy and every object could be a deadly bomb. Jeremy Renner plays the leader of the EOD team, as he contends with not only defusing bombs in the backdrop of a war, but also the psychological and emotional strain that it inflicts.

Looking at the cast. There’s no one that really jumps out at you. But the lack of star power works it the film’s advantage. Creating realistic characters that are so damn real you’ll forget you’re watching a fictional movie. The handheld shots make it feel all the more real.

It’s quite an experience, and you won’t be bored for a second. A front runner 4 best picture


It's a Hard Life Out There for a Cinefile

There are two kinds of moviegoers.

Those who watch movies.

And those who come to observe and learn about the movies. While having a fucking blast.

Obviously I’m the later. Going regularly, shirking my chores around the house to catch a Friday matinee. I would frequently find myself surround by other cinefiles, notepads out, taking notes and just observing everything that’s going on. From the laughter of the audience, to things most people may not notice in the background.  Afterwards, we would sometimes talk about it a little and grab a milkshake over at the local Portillos (local Chicago burger place, really good shit).

But gone are those days, and in comes the “More Explosions the Better” Generation of moviegoers. Those who would rather watch a bunch of people jump out of an exploding plane towards a fiery river full of naked strippers fucking polar bears with rocket launchers attached to their backs.

These type of filmgoers can also never really finish a thought… or really explain their unfinished thought.

I will now charm you with some excripts from some local forums where I have ingauged in any sort of  film discussion.

I made a long, ranting post on how fucking awful Transformers 2 was, and this is what I got….

“Just came from a special screening…it was awesome…go see it…
i want to do crazy things to Megan Fox. that is all.”


“Awesome Movie just got back from the midnight screening!
Megan is a Fox”


“I would totally fuck Megan Fox”

or my favorite

“You are thinking way too much into this”
I’m sorry if I want my movies to be SOMEWHAT thought provoking. Look at even… oh… “Star Wars”. It’s full of action and explosions. But it’s also full of deeper themes of heroism, sacrifice, and friendship. Yeah, I know it’s just “Star Wars”, but it’s surprisingly deep.
Every now and then… recently. There’s a movie that comes out, completely under the radar or not that blows you away mentaly. But they’re commonly overlooked at the theares for one reason or another. But usually the Acadamy gives films like that their props. Here’s hoping for “The Hurt Locker” this year.
That brings me to my next point. The Oscars.
It’s now being bastardised for ratings because the average smuck doesn’t care about things like Sound Mixing and Cinematography. This is like the Super Bowl to us Cinefiles. I sit there with my friends, and our predictions. It’s a really great night to love moves.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, bastardization.
The “Best Picture” catagory is being expanded to 10 films this year. Mostly because of people whining that “The Dark Knight” didn’t get nominated.
Okay, a lot of people will hate me for saying this… but NEWS FLASH.


The performances were great… but I’m sorry, Christian FAIL has not, will not, and will never be a decent actor. The movie was well shot and had a decent soundtrack. But that’s really the extent of it. Heath Ledger (gods have mercy on his soul) was totally amazing. But HE was amazing. No one else.  And the story was nothing new. It’s Batman, it’s older then my Grandma. Not a knock to Chris Nolan, but he needs to deep the franchise now while the getting is good.

Hopefully, the Oscars won’t be sponsered by “Amp: Energy Drink” this year too.

As you can see, it’s hard loving film the way I do. But it’s a good life. You learn a whole lot from every movie you watch. The camerawork, the sound, and acting, and direction. It’s fun to watch it all just come together in an orgy of smiles for the audience.

And if you liked Transformers 2, you’re retarded. That’s all.

Hidden Gems: "Frozen River"

2008 was a great year for film. From gems like “Indiana Jones” and “Wall-E” to overrated studio juggernauts such as “Iron Man” and “The Dark Knight”.

But like any other year… there’s a few that slip through the cracks. Whether it’s just on the heels of some studio film… or it’s just not picked up and distributed as it should.

“Frozen River” is a victim of the latter. Unless you were in a major city, you most likely didn’t get the chance to see this film that got nominated for 2 Oscars. 1 for “Best Original Screenplay” and the other for “Best Actress” Mellisa Leo.

The movie focuses on the struggles of a women named Ray Eddie (Played by Leo) whose down payment for a house is stolen by her gambling addict ex-husband. Struggling to make ends meet, she turns to smuggling people across the US/Canada border in her Dodge Shadow (I know those fucking cars were good for something.)

Along the way, Eddie questions her morals and even her very humanity as she craves the money more and more. Which leads to a very interesting conclusion.

The movie focuses on the simple concept that a good mother will do anything for her children. And this is going to the most super of extremes. Well shot on a modest budget up in New York, it really creates a world of little hope. The strong performance from Mellisa Leo will is hopefully the beginning of really great things for her. Get this shit in your Netfilx cue.


Fallen Angel

We know Zoe Bell from the highly underrated 2007 movie “Grindhouse”, where she played… guess what? A totally badass stuntwoman.

Well, this hot Kiwi’s got a film of her own. “Angel of Death”.

Zoe Bells get yo numba

Zoe Bell's get yo numba

It’s direct to DVD of course. But like “Grindhouse” it’s full of campy fun. It comes complete with gratuitous amounts of blood and plenty of ass being kicked by Ms. Bell (Who was Uma Thurman’s stunt double in the “Kill Bill” movies) A few heads even come off and a Volvo is totally ruined.

This is a movie that’s not trying to be something it’s not… a good movie. But in doing that, it keeps a lot of the Grindhouse style flare that brought me to the theure at midnight to see her before.

With an hour and fifteen minute running time, it gets done what it needs to get done very quickly. And surprisingly dosen’t have ANY action movie cliches in it. I tip my hat to director Paul Etheredge for that.

We also get a pretty good performance from Doug Jones, the guy who plays all the strange creatures in Pans Labyrinth, Lord of the Rings, and Hellboy.

When the movie is all said and done(and it is quickly) it leaves you quite satisfied… like pie. You’ve just seen something that the world needs. More strong women in actual roles whose names aren’t Ellen Ripley or Sarah Connor.


Hello world!

Welcome one. Welcome all.  I’m your guide, Dr. Humphrey Garside and I’d like to welcome you to my blogish thing.

My main focus is about the fine art of Film. But don’t be too surprised if my love of writing slips in a lot. Being a writer/director myself, it’ll happen.

In all seriousness, enjoy yourself. And don’t drink the water.