Month: September 2009

Makes You Hungry, Makes You Laugh.

There are a lot of books that go straight to movies these days. But Judi Barrett’s “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs” has been a long time coming.

For those of you who didn’t have the book read to them as a child, it’s about a young scientist named Flint Lockwood (voiced by SNL’s Bill Hader) who creates a machine that turns water into food. When he epically fails and launches his invention into the clouds, it begins to rain food. Much to the delight of the town he’s terrorized for years. But is it going a little too far?

I got the opportunity to see it in “REAL 3-D” last night, and dare I say, it’s well with the extra 2 bucks. The 3D is very abundant, but not too gratuitous. The technology has come a long way. And oh yeah, the Jello castle looks great this way.

Baby Brent (SNLs Andy Sanberg) really steals the scenes he’s in (UH OHHHHHH) and only adds to the excellent screenwriting. Be sure to have something to eat before you go see this, you’ll get so fucking hungry it’s not even funny. In the realm of Pixar-dominated animated films, this film really stands up, bitchslaps you and says “Notice my sexy ass. I’m wearing a thong”. Do yourself a big favor and check it out.


Getting Into The Busniess… Not So Hard??

Those of you who don’t know, I tend to indulge in the carnal pleasures of screenwriting quite often. Got a few under my belt and some short films coming about soon.

What I have learned during my past decade of writing is this…

The business is a bitch to get into.

Just look at the quality shit that’s turned out at Sundance year after year. It really makes your own writing look like complete shit dosen’t it? Well, ladies and gentlemen, writers of all ages, you don’t need to feel bad anymore.

How the living FUCK does Tucker Max get a movie…? That’s a good and a bad sign.  It shows that people will pay money to see a pretentious, (unfunny)racist, douchebag… and buy the rights to his book. Why anyone is a fan of Tucker Max I’ll never understand, but maybe it’s just a sign of our declining times and declining minds. But on the upside, if you want to write about YOUR first blowjob, then by all means go ahead. Doesn’t mean I’ll pay much attention. Mr. Max, you are a waste of air. I need that air to breathe and stuff.

Going back to GI Joe now. You would think writing a script for a show that came on in the eighties wouldn’t be so tough, as long long as they didn’t take themselves too seriously…

Guess what? Took themselves too seriously.

What came of it was nothing more then a gang of frat boy action scenes running a train on corny, gunky dialogue. I felt like I was in a 1 hour brainstorming session and walking out with only a vague idea of what was going on. It was pathetic and embarrassing.

When I get right down to it. Writers, keep writing please. We can do better.

Women On Screen…

My view on women is a little skewed compared to your average 22 year old male. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been around strong, powerful, respectable women the past few years and I’ve always just seen them as awesome ass people, other then something lower. That’s when I start talking about movies and frequently complain that the love interest dosen’t do shit.

I quickly get the response, “But she’s hot. You gay or something?”

Look, I like a good woman just as much as the next guy. But believe it or not guys, you’re nevvvvvvver going to run into a single woman that is incapable of being useful that won’t drive you completely crazy within about 2 weeks.

You want some examples? Okay. Lets go with a recent favorite.

Transforms 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Okay, just looking at one Megan Fox, you see the stunning body the beautiful hair, the question is, can it act?

To be fair to Megan, Transformers had an extremely weak script and “director” Michael Bay isn’t known for strong, female leads. Megan was given cheesy line after cheesy line… and was seen running in slow motion a lot. She didn’t really get to show off her acting chops so much as her luscious rack. And when the day was over, like a relationship with that hot, brainless girl… you’re left unsatisfied.

To be quite clear, not every woman in every movie need to be a Sara Connor or Ellen Ripley. But if you’re going to be in the movie, taking up valuable screen time from characters I’m actually caring about at the moment… you better be productive. Add something to the overall quality of the film. It can be done. It has been done for years. I just dunno what’s up with Hollywood.

Office Space 2.0

Mike Judge is the master of making our everyday lives seem hilarious. With movies like Office Space and the highly underrated Idiocracy, he has never given us a boring piece of shit.

That streak continues with “Extract”. Which stars Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, and one Ben Affleck.

It’s basically “Office Space” again from a bosses’ perspective. Shitty employees and long work hours. Only to come home to a wife who won’t touch you and an annoying ass neighbor who just won’t shut the fuck up. See, just like real life again.

As usual, not to give away much. But someone gets hit in the nuts hard and is now suing the factory for all it’s worth. But again, it’s just a normal day at work with all the things you wouldn’t normally find funny.

Ben Afflack really steals every one of the scenes he’s in playing Bateman’s stoner friend, who takes him to smoke the biggest bong I have ever seen.

It’s Mike Judge in top form, with a cast that seems to work extremely well together. Do Mike Judge a favor since Fox was dumb and canceled King Of the Hill. See this shit.


Hidden Gems: Thou Shalt Not Use Deus Ex Machina

Meryl Streep, she can do it all. Give blowjobs (She Devil), become immortal (Death Becomes Her), run a high powered fashion magazine (Devil Wears Prada), and overcome tough choices (Sophie’s Choice). Now, she pushes the limit. Sex is dirty vans, sex on dirty couches, and snorts fucked up hybrid flower drugs in Adaptation.

But that’s just one part of the story. The other is Nick Cage, playing a screenwriter and his jackoff twin brother as he tries to write a screenplay based off of Streep’s book. All the while, he struggles with his writers block and lack of love with some of the best masturbation sequences I have ever seen… no that’s not creepy. Shut up.

This movie is extremely hard to follow at times, but as it goes on, you’ll catch up.

Anyone who is a writer of any sort owes it to themselves to see this. If not just for the “Writers Ten Commandments”. Streep is good here. Cage is good for once, Tilda Swinton is awesome. And where can I get some of that stuff…? Woo. Add this movie now. You’ll be rolling and your non writing friends will think you’re on drugs.