Month: January 2010

Ninjas Can’t Catch You If You’re Freerunning

B13_UltimatumA few weeks ago, I saw the District 13 movies back to back. I really think they’re best watched that way.

District 13, not to be confused with last year’s District 9, takes place in the “near future” in which the slums of Paris are run by gangs with riced out FWD cars and unlimited ammo. We find Leïto a street wise badass who apparently can’t get shot as long as he’s freerunning. He tries to get the drugs off the streets by stealing for the dealers. Eventually he bites off a little more then he can crew when his sister is kidnapped.

What then ensues is one of the most retarded bomb plots I’ve ever seen in a movie. It’s got a big ol’ digital timer on it. And when it hits zero in 20 hours, if blows up… like… a lot of shit.

So it’s up to Leïto and his newfound partner Damien, a cop from the other side of the tracks… who also freeruns to defuse the bomb before it’s too late.

And it’s sequel. District 13: Ultimatum

Three years after the events of the first, the authorities are attempting to return law and shit to ravaged District 13. The death of gang overlord Taha  has caused the other gangs to go nutso. Damien and Leito return to District 13 on a mission to bring peace to the troubled sector before the secret service takes drastic measures to solve the problem.

More freerunning ensues. And there’s a crazy scene involving a car.

Nothing is funnier then watching people fail at freerunning… and I think the creators knew this when writing it. It’s just so crazy and so retarded at times, I had to rewind a couple of times. If you like freerunning and explosions. It’s got plenty of both.


On Writing

Writers. Hear me for a second.

Why do we do what we do? It’s a difficult question. Really I feel that there are 4 types of writers
That Dude Who Thinks Way to Highly of Themselves
This is the person you normally find at writers groups with the douchey barrette or some shit, and talks about the latest seminar or something they were at. First of all, no one cares… because they weren’t there. Secondly, that does not make you more qualified of a writer then anybody else.
This person also feels the need to talk down to other people.
Protip: Don’t fucking do it.
It’s people like this who make me despise writing groups. Writing is not a fucking party. It’s a personal quest for transcendence.

The Moneyhungry Asswipe
These are the people with the blogs or the websites that make people pay them to tell you how to write. But I must say, there ARE some class acts out there who WILL teach you the ropes about writing without telling you how to do it. But I can’t even count those people on one hand.
NO, I do NOT want to make some sort of fucking blog to make 2 bucks a day. If you do, you become “That Guy with the Blog”. Writing things that no one cares about and tends to skip past on twitter.

The Bored Housewife
This is exactly like I sounds
“Hi honey, what’s for dinner?”
“A Roast.”
“You are such a good wife. But you should do something to occupy your time while the kids are at school.”
“But honey, what can I do?’
So she rights. Tends to be the uppity, too Christian for their own good and easily offended. Sorry, should we give you water wings for your pool of tears? Either grow the fuck up or get the fuck outa my face.

The Soul Crushing, Staving Soul Writer.
I can include myself in this group. This is an actually respectable group. People who don’t give a shit, aren’t afraid of anybody or anything and just want to get their shit out there and change some minds and hearts… even if it kills them. Quite literally. Writing is serious business. We act like it. We don’t care if we get money (though we LOVE money) if our stuff just gets read. This group is also a big fan of “Real Talk”… which I’m doing right now.

Okay, now that I have that little rant out of the way, I can get to my real point.

What does it take to create something great?

As I recently learned, you just need to get out there and fucking do it. Like what I’m doing with “The Creative Process”. I got a lot of flack for my latest trailer of me naked in a bathtub. I actually found it liberating… can you say enlightening. I got a newfound confidence. Even though editing one’s own dick is a trial all it’s own.
I see far too many people planning these stories and these characters… just write the fucking thing. Don’t think about it so damn much. Do that shit.

Also, break down your mental barriers. The things to tell you not to do this. Your morals. Have you characters fuck some horses in a gay bar. Experiment! Have fun!

Frankly, some people just weren’t meant to write. If you cry when someone criticizes you… you’re in the wrong fucking business BRO. And some people just suck at writing, it’s just not their thing.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting inspired.
Try different ways of finding inspiration. Fuck your significant other. Fuck you significant others mentally disabled friend, rape your cousin… But seriously, inspiration has no schedule. Go outside and walk, or turn off the radio during your commute and just think. Or meditate if you like that. I’ve found that smoking weed a bit helps the creative juices… at least I did. I gotta afford some pot.
Inspiration isn’t just gonna hit you like a bag of… heavy shit. You gotta work at it. If it doesn’t come one day you gotta just keep at it.

In conclusion. Explore your possibilities. Test your limits. It may be hard. It may be scary. But that’s part of the fun.

God dosen't just smite your ass. He's got a choreographed fight sequence

God is a powerful being.  He created the whole damn earth, the universe even! But he can’t take out one pregnant chick apparently.

Legion follows the journey of a Michael, a fallen angel who refused to kill a pregnant woman and her baby… the baby who vaguely must save mankind… this was never explained.

Since the movie is about the end of the world… here comes Dennis Quaid. Along with Tyrese playing the most stereotypical young black guy ever. I’m talking rap music,  Escalade, blunt, gun pointed sideways.

The movie consists of the survivors being holed up in diner in the middle of nowhere… with unlimited ammo and a lot of random planks of wood. Yeah, that’s about it. There’s a great fight between Michael and Gabriel. But that fight was short lived. And razor tipped wings are the cheapest weapon ever.

I came out of this movie pretty unsatisfied… who am I kidding? I went out empty. I was at LEAST waiting for a big, climatic ending… but no. Instead we have shit set up perfectly for a sequel. Which I can promise you will come. Great idea, worst execution I have ever seen. I demand a do-over


I think a trip to New York is in order

Every moon we get a movie that has everyone but yo momma in it (I left the picture nice and big so you can read all this fucking talent. It’s crazy.) But seldom does it work. Many stars, without enough good lines to go around. The solution to this paradox is simple. Don’t make most of these people interact with each other at all.

This is what New York, I Love You does. The second film in the Cities of Love series. It focuses around many types of love. From losing your virginity to embracing love in old age. All the bases are covered in this collection of short films. Brett Ratner’s sequence with the trees will stick with you for a while I’m sure. Yes, Ratner can actually do something good.

Where the movie DOES fall short is the fact it took so damn long to connect all the stories within the movie, but then again, maybe it’s better that way.

When the credits began to roll, I was left with that satisfying warm feeling, the kind you get when you’ve watched something really special. Unlike Paris Je’Taime, I could really relate to most of these characters. Bravo to the directors for creating such realistic pieces.  It really makes you look at your own relationships as well.

A must watch if you have a girlfriend… or just like film a lot.


Christianity lets you use V.A.T.S.

The world’s been ending a lot in the movies as of late. But The Book of Eli serves up the gloom and doom that comes with the end of the world with a little… religion? What?

The story focuses on Denzel Washington as Eli, a lonely traveler who’s out to take the last copy of the Bible “Out West” for some reason. Along the way, he runs into thugs and ruffians that got lost of their way to the Mad Max 4 set.

Gary Oldman plays the warlord of a small town who wants his hands on Eli’s Bible to establish more control over people (This didn’t make sense to a lot of people, but Christianity is the ultimate mind changer. Good or bad.) He sends his goons after Eli who seem to insist attacking him one at a time.

Eli remains emotionless throughout the whole movie, focused on his objective. He’s joined on his quest by Family Guy‘s Mila Kunis… who comes to find her own calling and inner badass along the way.

A scene that really stood out (Not to give too much away) involves an elderly couple and a lot of heavy weaponry along with a classic hit on a record player.

Also included is one of the most ridiculous, yet really wonderful plot twists I’ve seen outside of a Final Fantasy game (X and below of course).

The only thumbs down I can give this movie is the cliche slow motion walk towards the camera. There’s a lot of it. But that’s really not much of a problem. The acting is what you can expect out of a post-apocalyptic movie, not too bad.  Remember, be a Christian, and you too can use VATS. This is a great way to start off the year in film.