Month: April 2010

Speechless

There’s a chilling feeling you get when you see a marvelous film. It kinda makes you feel like crying. Just watch this clip.

This is one of moments that makes the Oscar-nominated The Secret of Kells so wonderful and mystical. It’s great porn for the soul.

“The story is set in the ninth century. Obsessed with building a mighty wall to keep marauding Viking raiders from destroying the Monastery of Kells, Abbot Cellach expects his young nephew Brendan (our hero) to follow in his footsteps. Brendan has apprenticed in the scriptorium of the monastery and has heard the story of Aidan of Iona, a master illustrator. Later, Aidan himself comes to the monastery, accompanied by his cat Pangerbon. Aidan has escaped from the Vikings who have destroyed his own monastery, and has brought the Book of Kells he is working on. Aidan shows Brendan the beauty of art and stimulates his creativity and fantasy. His eyes and hands are failing, and he needs Brendan to assist. Brendan is forbidden to leave the monastery, but Aidan sends him into the forest to look for gall nuts to make ink. A faerie/wolf spirit, Aisling, introduces him to a wider world. Brendan needs to stand up to his uncle and face his greatest fears in his quest to complete the book.”

This movie sends a message about censorship… and actually about growing up. Going outside your own walls and getting shit done.

Bruno Coulais (Coraline) comes through with another one of his many epic soundtracks and I can do nothing but smile whenever I hear any of the songs from the movie. The soundtrack is a must have.

I really can’t recommend this enough. In a world of explosions and CG, we don’t have the time to appreciate fine art like this anymore. I’ve seen a lot of great movies so far this year. This is by far on top. I don’t know when it’s getting the DVD treatment, but let’s hope it’s soon.

A+

Those young whippersnappers with their pants on the ground…

Lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground. With that gold in yo mouth, hat turned sideways.

Anyway, if the Gen. Larry Pratt, Epic Beard Guy, and Betty White haven’t told you it alread… do not fuck with old people. They are motherfuckers and they will lay down the hurt. Add Michael Caine to the “badass geezer” list.

Harry Brown, a widowed Northern Ireland veteran living in an apartment complex that is rapidly descending into little nigglet crime. Harry takes up violent methods to curb crime after his only friend is murdered. Alfred’s taking up arms. Fuck yeah. Fight the power.

And that’s really all you can say about the movie. There is the obligatory female character, but she fits in quite well. Harry Brown is a former Marine, we don’t go too far into his past like I would like… but I guess they’re leaving room for a retarded ass prequel or something.

It’s always fun to watch nigglets get what they deserve. Michael Caine is proving once again, you don’t fuck with old people. This film will make you want to take up arms against the morons who keyed your car last week.

A-

Yay! J-Lo is back! /sarcasm

It’s been many years since Gigli… I know. It hasn’t been long enough. But J-Lo is back and with some guy that looks like Ben Affleck and sounds like Robert Downey Jr, I kid you not.

Okay, it’s 4AM… what do I do? I finally get the guts to bust open my screener of The Back Up Plan… got some oatmeal and fired it up.

Oh the horror.

The cliché police must have been raiding a Nicolas Cage movie, because of the sheer number of clichés that were just laying around for people to trip over.

Such as, the item in the beginning of the movie to be used as a lame plot device later. The dinner scene where everything just goes to hell… but it’s okay since they’re laughing. The woman overreacting and driving the man out of the house. Feeling bad and moping for overreacting… and room for a fucking sequel. J-Lo can’t act worth a shit. Who keeps lying to her? That’s just mean.

The best part of the movie was Anthony Anderson… that’s just fucking sad.

You might be saying right now that I know nothing about romantic comedies… that I’ll get in tomorrow morning article.

Shit sucks. Go read a book or masterbate. I gotta go watch a good movie now.

F

Some films get stuck in development hell for a reason.

Little Big Soldier is Jackie Chan’s lastest Chinese flick… which has been in development hell for the past 20 years. But long gone are the days of Drunken Master and Operation Condor Jackie Chan. Now it’s old, I’mo chill the fuck out Jackie Chan. This is fine, the nigga is old now and has enough brusies to last him four lifetimes.

That’s all not to say he doesn’t do his share of stunts in this movie, he delivers on that. But outside of Chan comedicly fighting people like he usually does… there is dull, really dull and dry dialog.

The movie is about an old foot soldier and a young high-ranking general from a rival state (with quite a secret) who become the only survivors of a ruthless battle. The soldier decides to kidnap the general and brings him back to his own state in hopes for a reward in return. And of course on the way, they run into bandits and have to do the whole buddy movie thing. Nothing new here.

Again, when there was fighting. It was good.

I hear people whining about the ending. Shut up, the ending was just fine. Very dramatic. But Chan’s just not what he used to be. But then again, the script didn’t really do him much justice. Well, you live and your learn Mr. Chan. Time for move on.

C+

Damages Season 3 wrap up (YAY FLASHBACKS)

CloseGlen Close has proven once again why she’s queen of the universe… At least at 10PM eastern on Mondays. But really most of the credit goes to the writers of the non-linear story arch the show presents. You think you know what’s going on… then you realize… “Shit, I’m retarded. Why didn’t I see that?” And even if the main plot isn’t your cup of tea, there are a good dozen side plots going on. The addition of Lily Tomlin and Martin Short this season. The writers really took the time to make you fulling understand the characters, that’s always been the show’s strength. Humanize each and every one of them. There are no good goods or bad guys. Just bad and worse. And lol at Ted Danson.

I guess what really draws me into Damages is mostly the fact that it hits really close to home on a lot of levels. From the love of money to the deception and dirtiness that comes from being a lawyer. Being the son of a scambag lawyer I can tell you that a lot of the stuff that goes on in this show, does happen. Think about that.

Kudos to Fox for yet another wonderful season, there’s a lot of stories that still need to be told it looks like, so on with season four.

A+

Trigun in the Ming Dynasty
This doesn't look like Trigun at all... really.

This doesn't look like Trigun at all.

It’s been a quiet time for good martial arts movies now that Jackie Chan and Jet Lei are getting kinda old and shit. It’s pretty refreshing to see a nice, standalone martial arts entry like Little Big Soldier (which I’ll be reviewing soon) But we do see a return of that other dude from Hero, Donnie Yen

Chinese Cinema GO!

It all focuses around a dude who carries a box with… you guessed it, 14 blades.

What’s with movies and their loaded plots these days… here’s another entry from wiki… goddamn.

During the late Ming Dynasty, the Chinese imperial court is plagued by corruption as eunuchs usurp state power and the reigning emperoris deemed incompetent. The Jinyi Wei (literally: Brocade-clad Guards) is the government’s secret police, trained in clandestine combat since childhood, they are in charge of conducting missions to ensure peace and stability within the empire. They have the authority to prosecute anyone deemed as an enemy of the state and they devote their lives and lethal prowess to serving the emperor only. When the organization was first founded, the Jinyi Wei took orders directly from the emperor, but now they are under the control of the eunuch faction. The chief eunuch Jia Jingzhong is plotting with an exiled noble, Prince Qing, to rebel against the emperor and seize power. Jia orders Qinglong, the Jinyi Wei chief, to kill the Imperial Councilor Zhao Shenyan and take Zhao’s safebox, which supposedly contains a list of names of traitors.

However, Qinglong discovers later that he had been used, as the safebox contains the Imperial Seal, a symbol of the emperor’s authority, and Jia wants to use it to legitimize Prince Qing’s actions for convenience when the rebellion begins. Qinglong is betrayed by his fellow guards and becomes a fugitive when Jia denounces him as a traitor and issues an order for his arrest. Qinglong escapes and joins the Justice Escort Agency, where he strikes up a romantic relationship with Qiao Hua, the daughter of the agency’s leader. Qinglong is determined to fulfill his loyalty to the emperor and continues to search for evidence of Prince Qing’s rebellion plot and undermining Qing’s plans. He is joined by the Heaven Eagles Gang, a group of bandits led by the Judge of the Sands. Standing in Qinglong’s way are Jia Jingzhong’s lackeys and his former Jinyi Wei fellows, as well as Prince Qing’s goddaughter Tuotuo, a highly-skilled female pugilist.

Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either… normaly this is is that part where I get all irritated and talk about the numerous plot holes and the numerous times I said WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT. But I can actually let that all go. The costume design rivals those of Oscar nominated movies here in the states. And the fighting is just as good as any kung fu flick… which means it’ll blow your fucking mind (see: scene with coin and bowl) and Tuotuo is hot, fast, and can kill with all the fenese of her male counterparts.

The ending is very sweet as well. It brings everything to s definite close… unlike most movies these days. And what’s this, a PLAUSIBLE love story in a kung fu film? Nice. Again… this is one flawed piece of film, but it’s going to show up on my top ten of the year for sure.

Dear Roger Ebert…

Hello Ebert.

This blog is for you. For you to learn why video games are art!

I can agree with you in some ways though Roger (do you mind if I call you Roger?) I’ve seen my fair share of video games that can not be classified as art in any way. I mean the game to the right (Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing – 2004 for PC) has been rated the worst game of all time. I mean look at that! The numbers don’t fit in the boxes, the truck has no color, and the terrain doesn’t have much going for it either. Honestly, who in their right mind would waste their creative ability on making such a worthless pile of crap? Let alone expect a poor helpless soul to waste hours of their breathing while playing this pile of crap. These are things that probably make you look and say, “Wow, video games aren’t art! Maybe some can be, but if they all can’t, then there is no way they can be considered an art form!”

Well can’t the same be said for your preferred art source Roger? (Really, is it okay if call you Roger?) Take this hunk of junk movie for example, “Epic Movie.” I searched all over your site for a review but came up with nothing. Was it not worthy of your standards? I mean this movie was god awful! But is it so bad that it isn’t art? I mean I’m not going to say that this movie should not be classified as an art form, but let’s be honest here, where the f**k is the “art” in this movie? If you’ve ever watched this (which I’m guessing you haven’t, because I had to be lured into a living room containing a pizza box and an attractive girlfriend to begin my viewing of this masterpiece) you too will have feelings of despair, anger, and disgust (similar to your thoughts on Kick-Ass) and probably demand the last 90 minutes of your life back.

But according to you Roger, Film is art. So there for Epic Movie is art. It’s good art as a matter of fact. As long as it’s not a video game, It can be art!

Roger, video games are animation. Animation unlike that of Disney/Pixar or Dreamworks. This is animation that has to be able to react to millions, maybe even billions of possible movements you as the player can make. Take a look at this game for example. (Not like I expect you to watch the video below, but it’s always worth a shot.)

God of War III is one of the most graphically stunning games. Don’t even give me that “it looks so gory and repulsive” garbage, because you’ve enjoyed plenty of movies with just as much as this game. The critic uses the phrase “film like sequences.” Did you hear that Roger? He compared a video game to your beloved art form of film! What a disgrace!

I’ve felt more emotional during video games than movies Roger. You control the story in a video game, you are the main character, and you need to finish the story. You can only watch and wish you could do that while watching a movie. Video games make that dream come true.

Take care now.

I’m Sorry Ebert. You’re Just Wrong Today.

No this isn’t about Kick Ass… though you were wrong about that one too. But let’s get down to business.

I read your article saying “Video Games Can Not Be Art.” This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard from a man I usually agreed with since I was ten years old and decided to go into movies and writing.

Ebert, I’m sure you’ve never sat down and actually played through a single game in your life.

This is certainly not art.

I can agree with you that video games have degraded a LOT in quality since the days of games like Super Mario World 2: Yoshis’ Island (left). However, you can’t say there’s not a equal amount if not more effort put into some games to truly make them beautiful. Why do you think Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg opened up game studios in the last couple of years? They’ve seen it’s a great output for creativity… and it’s quite profitable if you churn out a decent product.

I was correct when I wrote, “No one in or out of the field has ever been able to cite a game worthy of comparison with the great poets, filmmakers, novelists and poets.” To which I could have added painters, composers, and so on, but my point is clear.

Okay, I also have a little problem with this. Even if you look at some great artists, many of which didn’t get jack until they were dead or just died young anyway. We won’t know for many years yet how much influence Metal Gear or Sonic have on our films and our writing. One thing I can honestly say… the things I write, not all, but a lot have heavy influence from the games I’ve played over the years. Think of it as a movie where you have complete control over what happens. It can really get the ideas flowing during a bout of writers block… but you’ve said it yourself before, it’s not perfect, but you had fun. That’s exactly how it works for games and well is film. Not all movies are art… but some art. Most games are not art, but some really shine. Games are a new medium for storytelling. The first films weren’t complete gems, but look at them now. I’m guessing it was the same for music, and even the first cave drawings. But I’m rambling.

Besides, I wouldn’t dare compare any modern writer to Poe, any musical artists to Mozart or Michael Jackson, or Jackson Pollack to anyone. They’re all great, but it’s all apples and oranges… mmm oranges. I could use one right now.

I suggest Mr. Ebert you go play Heavy Rain on Playstation 3 and get back to me. But I don’t know if I can change your mind after saying Katamari and Braid… two of the most original and beautiful games I’ve played in years, aren’t art. That’s just crazy. Why don’t you give them a quick play. You might just like them, who knows.

I still look forward to your reviews and greatly respect you. But you’re just wrong today. I’d love to debate this farther with anybody.

EDIT: I forgot about the most beautiful game I’ve ever played… Okami


If this isn't art. I don't know what is.

Yes