Month: September 2010

Expanding soon. We need more people.

I like the way things are going. We got Chronicles of Failure coming back¬†Friday. We got some political stuff going. We’re thinking about life more. Life it fucking good.

But there are a few things I need.

1. More writers

-I got a lot of friends that constantly bombard me with cool stories and talking bout movies. Come on niggas, I could use your ass here ūüėõ

-And it’s hard to have¬†political/Movie¬†debates by yourself. You always lose.

2. Those of you with Skype

– I have some interesting guests lined up for podcasts. If you got Skype and wanna shoot the shit with me, just holler.

Let’s do it!

Kung Fu Failure


A little movie called Slumdog Millionare opened up the world of Bollywood to western audineces. It gave me some hope that there are actually movies from that country that DON’T SUCK. When I heard there was going to be a Kung-Fu musical… why shouldn’t a guy get excited.

After putting it off for over a year, I sat down to watch Chandi Chowk to China.

I’m an idiot.

The concept of the movie is okay. Lovable loser stumbles (mistakenly) into thinking he’s going to be a king or something… but it turns out people think he’s some great warrior. Opps.

Yes… that is the first 2 hours of the movie. Literally. I LOVE the concept. But it shouldn’t take you 2 hours to get to that point. There was a love story sorta going on in there too… I’m not really sure.

Granted, there were a few decent musical numbers in there (not Slumdog good of course) but they’re not enough to fill the 30 minutes or so between actual fight scenes.

The movie picks up a lot in the last twenty minutes when our hero gains his powers, but it’s far too late for the film.

Though it has a few great moments, it¬†doesn’t¬†justify¬†the 2 hour 30 minute runtime. I just wanted to grab my blankie and go to sleep. Kind people, go watch Kung Fu Hustle instead.


Cool Story Bro: Bitch Nigga to release movie about Obama‚Äôs “fraud and ineligibility”

Hey, finally… a political type post! And oh my shit is it a good one.

Apparently, Obama hasn’t shown people his birth certificate… so he’s not american and he should be impeached and he’s a liar and has totally ruined this country and dropped our cupcakes on the ground.

Yeah, that sounds really fucking retarded to read. But it’s the concept of a new movie called Fraud.

It’s directed by Brent Bateman

This Nigga

He’s a fellow Illinois man (represent) and a former news reporter who spent a couple of years traveling around our great country interviewing folks and unraveling the vast left wing conspiracy known as the Obama administration. And we share a hatred for Oprah. I want to high five him for that.

I can’t make a full judgement on this yet (I want to see it pretty bad). But it’s looking like he thinks he’s the anti-Michael Moore with a totally one sided documentary that tries to make some sort moot point.

Oh yeah Obama’s mother was white… His name stems from his father’s side.

He was born in Hawaii, which makes him a citizen.

Even if he WAS NOT…

A child is automatically granted citizenship in the following cases:

  1. Both parents were U.S. citizens at the time of the child’s birth
  2. At least one parent lived in the United States prior to the child’s birth.

INA 301(c) and INA 301(a)(3) state, “and one of whom has had a residence.” The FAM (Foreign Affairs Manual) states “no amount of time specified.”

A person’s record of birth abroad, if registered with a U.S. consulate or embassy, is proof of citizenship. They may also apply for a passport or a Certificate of Citizenship to have their citizenship recognized.

So yeah. I kinda debunked the whole a lot of the movie didn’t I? Shoutout to about 60 seconds and Google.

He is without a doubt trying to bring in all those teaparty motherfuckers who believe if you say something enough it will become true. I wish they’d understand that it’s okay to be angry. But there are other ways to deal with it. This is not how the founding fathers would handle their shit.

But I’ll keep the rest of my opinions for when I actually see it.

I invited him to do the podcast… big props to him if he accepts my invitation. I’d love to debate him on some issues.

Check out his site and leave some comments here. Or send him some hate mail, I’m sure he gets plenty of it.

Check out a nice, long article here.

I’m going to close that short article the only way I know how.


Project Mayhem: Capcom needs to learn to hire motherfuckers… for real

You wake up at Seatac, SFO, LAX. You wake up at O’Hare, Dallas-Fort Worth,BWI. Pacific, mountain, central. Lose an hour, gain an hour. This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.

This quote from Fight Club sums up waiting in the line for Capcom Fight club. For once, Capcom brought an event to our great city. You can’t even fathom how excited I was to get my hands on an early build on Marvel 3 and enjoy a live DJ and get some swag. Just general good times.

This did not happen.

Me and my friends showed up at the warehouse about 5:30PM (Event was to start at 8.) We chatted it up. It was good times. But around 7ish when they started rounding up the first 100 people that got wristbands… people were just giant assholes and cut the line.



And to make matters worse, the dumb ass¬†security¬†had no fucking idea how to let people in. It was a huge blob of people. And after waiting over three hours, I was now towards the very back. We all were crowded like slaves getting onto a ship… and people were getting restless…

HOWEVER, they did find a way to start letting people in… they let women and couples in first.

Let me say that again.

Women and couples first. Like it’s a REAL FUCKING CLUB. Thankfully I had my friend Yvette with a nice rack and was able to get in… at about 9:30PM an hour and a half late. I owe Yvette and her boobs dinner.

My other friends weren’t so lucky…

A couple left in frustration.¬†And a couple picked up trash and “earn the right” to get in. ¬†That shit ain’t right AT ALL.

Once inside… I don’t know WHY they didn’t open the huge doors. It was well over 100 degrees and humid in there. And all the pizza and pop was gone (I hadn’t eaten all day.) But that was a minor concern. They have about 20 or so TVs and a giant projector all playing Marvel with TE sticks and 40 something inch flatscreens. Again, the lines were sort of a clusterfuck. But there was SOME order being done by the players.

Now can I mention the DJ… We should have had local player and DJ Jeffito run that shit. I was expecting upbeat dance music, maybe dance mixes of video game music… no. It was like listening to the radio. What a waste of money Capcom.

However, there was this douchenossle that wouldn’t get the fuck out of the way and I almost got into a fight with him. Dude had played 4 matches straight. That shit ain’t cool when there are lines like we had. He was an arrogant prick and I would have knocked him the fuck out… but I hadn’t played Marvel yet lol. But that’s a coulda shoulda.

After my one match… I just couldn’t handle the B.O. (nerds! WASH YOUR BUTT CRACKS) and the humidity. So I just went outside at around 10:15 and remained outside the rest of the night. I loved it how if you had to go pee or something, the bouncers wouldn’t let you back in… unless you were a woman. I still would like to know the logic being used here. They were just randomly letting certain people in. And keeping some out.

“Any Military?”

“Anyone under 5 feet?”

I’m dead serious. This is how they were selecting people to go in.

By the end of the night, we were all hot, sweaty and swagless. The only upside having played one or two rounds of Marvel. The organizers dropped the ball BIG TIME.

My message to Capcom is this…

Thank you for the free event and everything. But if you’re going to have a free event. CONTROL THE FUCK OUT OF IT. This was just one giant clusterfuck, and those fucking bouncers were just plain dumb. We shouldn’t need boobs or be trash men just to play a fucking game (a game which is VERY good by the way, everyone should buy it.) and when you say you’re giving out swag to 300 people. Live up to your word. Only the first 100 got anything. Unless I was lied to by your staff which is just as uncool. If order was just kept from the very beginning, this mess wouldn’t have happened. I’m not and angry person… if I’m fighting people, something is wrong.

Again, thanks to Capcom for setting this up. But if you’re going to do this. Pick a better location and get some people to run it that have an ounce of goddamn sense. This entire event seemed to be run half assed. Maybe you weren’t expecting so many people, but come on. A sense of order would have helped¬†everything¬†and everyone would have had a good time.

Chicago deserves better. We support you good. Support us good.

Again, Marvel 3 is good. Buy it. Just be careful with Capcom events apparently folks. They could either be awesome or bite you in the ass. My ass is very sore today.

The Local Theater. Dying Breed? You Betcha.

First of all, sorry for the Palin-ism.

There’s a benefit to living in a city like Chicago. We have some of everything. I just told you all about Galloping Ghost and it’s awesomeness¬†a few weeks ago. But there are a couple more gems this city has to offer that are a little more up the public’s alley.

The local movie theater… Oh how I miss thee.

I really wasn’t alive during the time when these small movie houses flourished before we had Lex Luther come and totally fuck shit up. But there’s nothing like going to a small movie theater, and not being turned upside down and having the money shaken out of you.

Welcome to AMC River East motherfucker do you have a shitty ass "rewards" card?

Gone are those feelings of being able to enjoy both a movie AND some food to go along with it. Some of that nice, unhealty movie theature food. Popcorn, various types of pop, nachos, maybe even a hot dog every now and then. I have no need for gormet meals (except at Hollywood Blvd., that food is decently priced though.) I always end up hitting Walgreens first and grabbing some candy/chips/cookies/pork chops/cornish game hen and just sneak it in.

For the 10 bucks I pay to get into AMC river east, it’s a good movie watching time in a usually packed house. But I barely have enough money left to play a game of DDR… even though it is on an Extreme with shitty pads. 30 greats on Freakles is NOT OKAY… ahem.

Enter LaGrange Theatre. Built in 1925 for live perfomances is these days one of the nicest little movie houses around. They don’t have first run movies, but this is okay. With the sheer number that come out, we don’t have time or money to catch them all on the first run. But then again, it’s not like they get stuff 4 months late.

Each screening room has each own theme. It’s really simple and oh so pretty… even though you can’t see jack once the lights are off.

One of the better places to catch a flick for a low(er) price. Not to mention LaGrange is a pretty fucking nice city. Take a walk down their streets while you’re there. And it’s got a Metra stop too for you city folk.

Town is full of win.

Let’s go a good half hour south to the town of Park Failure Park Forest. Anyone who’s been to this town knows that for a number of reasons, it’s basically a ghost town… far as business is concerned. A grocery store has come and gone… twice. There was once a badass shopping center… that’s gone. But there’s a fixure that his been in the town for a long time and refuses to roll over and die.

The Holiday Theater… the Eagle Star¬†Theater, or it’s new name…

Yeah, I like the old name better too.

I remember first going there when I 7 years old. I was with my mom and brother and we saw “3 Ninjas Kick Back”. It was that movie that made me decide I wanted to be the filmmaker you see before you today. I know, that’s really sad isn’t it? But I loved the place then. It didn’t seem quite as¬†commercial¬†as the other places were… and the shopping center still¬†existed¬†next door at the time.

I wish I had more pictures of this place. I haven’t been there in a couple of years, but everything was old school. I felt like I was back in the 1950’s (when the theare first opened). Tickets were only 3 dollars and, like LaGrange, do second runs of films… and a special event here and there.

Now this is where it gets a little ugly. Earlier this year, the place was bought by one Kenny Yochelson.

This Nigga

I was excited by the new management and the fact that Kenny actually wanted to talk to me to see what we could do to help the theater and hopefully the whole town.

Jesus Christ was I wrong.

After a rather heated conversation and being accused of being a racist… and a few other not very nice things, I promised to never give him mine or any of my friend’s service.

I’ll let Mystic Owl sum Kenny up for you.

Then I’m on the internet the other day and found out that my¬†instincts¬†were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. +1 to Wolfen for being a good judge of character. But enough gloating about being right. It’s all abotu the movies.

I got a friendly facebook message from Katie¬†the¬†intern¬†manager, and I think things are going to be alright over there. They’re gonna need to do a lot of things to totally gain everyone’s trust back after the Kenny era. But it shouldn’t be too difficult. Maybe a name change back to Holiday Theater is in order? Go back to the days of old. I know this writer/filmmaker is ready and willing to help the staff over there with anything they might need. I believe in the¬†independent¬†locally¬†owned¬†cinema with all my heart. They’re what really made going to the movies great. It wasn’t just a movie, it was a social event. I think this could happen again.

Give em a holler at their facebook page. Leave em a message, even if it’s about… I dunno, bubble gum or something. And the¬†citizens¬†of Oak Forest need to go out and represent. Chicago Heights Marcus sucks anyway. So you have no excuse.

Fight the power.

I really do wish there were more pictures of the place. But maybe I’ll just snap a few when I’m down in Park Forest next time. Or maybe someone can give me the hook up and I’ll continue to write articles no one will read ūüėõ

The Hero’s Journey: Explaining Life Through Film

An easy way to look at life is the hero’s journey. We all have a goal, and when you’re going to it, it’s never gonna go as smoothly as you think it should.

Are you fucking serious? Fuck.

1. We All Have Challenges…

It just wouldn’t be a true journey without challenges. Whether it’s facing down haters or just stopping your own damn self from epicly failing at life, we need to look at it as a way to improve ourself. Not to mention you’ll feel pretty damn awesome when it’s done and done.

2. The Hero isn’t always the good guy.


There are times when you just gotta get shit done. Even if it’s not exactly nice and even if you gotta hurt some people. Again, that’s life. You can’t always be the good guy. There are haters and shit who wanna bring you down. I’m not saying you have to stoop to their level… but you just have to let them know who’s in control.

Take Damages and Frozen River pictured above. In each, the characters do whatever the fuck has to be done to progress, wheter it’s some illegal behind the scenes litagation or craming people into a 1992 Dodge Shadow. It’s not legal, it’s not nice, but in the end… you progress. Sometimes you just have no choice in the matter.

3. Struggles

Also just a part of the game. It’s what makes things interesting. Shit just happens… like falling out of the sky with a giant dildo. There’s just not much you can do. Just sit down. Stomach that shit and brace for impact. They really aren’t so bad, long as they don’t kill you. Then that would end your journey and you gotta start back at step one.

4. Allies

Along your way you’re going to meet up with other motherfuckers who will assist you on your way, kinda like an RPG. They’ll stick with you through all the shit, even if it drags them down as well. These people are hard to come by and when the time is right, replay them for every drop of blood and every tear.

One of the best allies EVER, Hugo Stiglitz. When I think of needing some backup, that’s the motherfucker I want.

5. Victory

We Don't Pump Our Gas, We Pump Our Fists

Once you’re done with all the bullshit, you can finally relax and have yourself a decent time. I suggest a book and beach chair… maybe red wine and a¬†baguette. When you get here, you’ll be a much better person inside and out. There’s no feeling quite like weathering the elements and finally being able to relax.

I wish part 5 for everyone.

Maybe I’ll share my hero’s journey with you all one day. I just need to let it finish.

Life is far from far. Sometimes you just have to cheat a little as well.

What Time Is It? It’s Site Update Time!

Well, it’s that time again. Time to make some earth shattering changes to the site… okay, maybe they ain’t so earth shattering. But they’re still pretty damn cool.

1. You’ll notice the “about wolfen” button is gone. It’s not an “About Authors” button. If you have written something on this site, you can go and edit that whole page out. Or I will and make it hilarious, but you don’t wan that.

2. Podcast button. This will be useful when we get that RSS feed up and running like it should have actually HAVE podcasts to give to you. There will be an iTunes feed as well. I’ll keep you up to date on that.

3. Wolfen Films button. This is where you can watch EVERY episode of Chronicles of Failure, uncut. Isn’t that fun? Also included there will be any projects I decide to work on in the future. Keep an eye out for new stuff.

4. Fuck Republicans. That’s all. Enjoy your days.

The Truth.