Perspectives

Offering a take on things in film.

We’re All Special, Even if We Don’t See It.

I’m  weird as hell. That’s for sure. I tend to get along with others that are also weird as hell. But everyone who knows me knows this.

I have this discussion with every actor before we get into anything. But everyone has their own special abilities or something that makes them awesome and irreplaceable.

I generally bring up Barrett when I speak of this. You have someone who’s caring, compassionate, loving, and so creative… but with a quirky exterior. People can and will judge you on that alone. I’m the same way. They see I’m kinda quiet, make vulgar jokes and remain politically active and big on the social justice front.  What they don’t see is what you can really do and what you can do for them.

That includes being a good friend, having a kind word to say in a time of crisis.

And people won’t always defend you in your time of need. Simply because because it really doesn’t suit them or whatever imagine they’re trying to portray of themselves. Though shitty I understand why you wouldn’t stand up for the guy over there who seems unhinged. Everybody is worried about their own bottom line instead of worrying about what’s right.

Me personally a lot of it is that I don’t talk with my balls out like I’m the next great american filmmaker or I’m out to make the next Godfather. I’m not big in creative circles because I’m have to make work that people can enjoy and lose themselves in. I’m not here to jack anyone off. It’s not nearly my purpose. I’m not being paid for that. Pay my rent and send your penis this way.

But seriously…

I just don’t want to look back and say I should have done this or that in a creative space. Barrett even told me t Simply on the fact that I made an assumption about how someone is. You could lose a lot.

I just make it a rule to see how people tick. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes bad. It’s always worth it.

Now let’s make this movie Barrett and I wanted to make, and see what crazy stuff will happen.

The Last 4 Months: Views on Love, Life, and Trying to Make Positive Lemonade

2017 was a rough year. I didn’t really get anything done creatively like I wanted and I was dealing with one of the worst times of my life in September through January. It’s rough because all I really want to do in life is create stuff and let people have fun.

But anyway, as the title suggests, we have a lot to talk about, so let’s get started.

Things were terrible. I had to sell all my film equipment to just make rent. So yeah, it was hard to say the least. I was still living in my apartment in a certain city. But being out of work since October and only working minimum wage after that so I was barely making ends meet. My landlord, who’s a great guy just couldn’t let me stay there anymore. I was months behind on rent and he knew the situation and helped as much as he could. The end of September came and it was time for me to go. I got rid of almost everything I owned to be ready to live in my car (again).

The day came and I had no where to go. This is where… we’ll call her.. Ida comes in. I had know her for close to a decade. Wonderful woman. We had actually had lunch a few weeks ago prior and we talked about life, romance and whatnot. But now she was assisting me in my move.

Like I said, I had no where to go. And she had gotten into town the same day to stay for good and was moving in with her good friend Ken. He was having issues and troubles and stuff and came all the way from across the country, straight uprooting herself to do so.

That’s a good friend in my book.

Anyway, Ken heard that I was in trouble from Ida and he was like, bring him with you. I had my doubts at first. But the property they were going to live on is also where my old friend Tom lived too. So, living with 3 good friends? What could possibly go wrong? Not that I had many other options I really wanted to explore at the moment. This was a chance to go in  different directions and not fall into old patterns.

When I got to the house, we had been unpack other stuff for a while but alas it was time to sleep. The house was smaller than me and Ida had thought.

Here’s how it was. There were 2 houses on the property. A big house up front where Tom lived and the three of us crammed into the much smaller rear house. Yeah. We’ll get into that later. That said, I should have asked for specifics but I was just glad I wasn’t on the street.

That night I, I had nowhere to sleep and Ida was like, sleep in my room. Tired me wasn’t quite registering what she was saying, but I was on the floor orf her room and she asked what I was doing? And which side of the bed I wanted. It still didn’t register, and my 2 hours of sleep had me in a confused haze. Then she took her clothes off and I was like… okay… I get now. This doesn’t require anymore detail.

The next morning I went down to get some breakfast, Ken was there and we talked for a bit about movies and stuff. And he told me that I’m pretty much everything he looks for in a boyfriend.

Now let’s stop right there. Take note because I’m sure this comes into play.

But Ida came down soon after  and everything was business as always. She was going with Ken to his appointments and whatnot. He would almost act as if he owned her. She was truly not feeling it. And I truly wasn’t feeling it either.

The second night we slept together yet again, and we’re like okay, this is going to be a thing. She was excited, as was I. It was nice, I’m not going lie about it.

But there was trouble a brewing.

Ken confronted me and didn’t want me to sleep with her anymore because of her bad back. I We of course know it was because he was just jealous. Of both the relationship and the fact that I had a lot of her attention. Mostly me listening to her talk. Not a bad thing, I like doing that.

And that night I was on the couch, which was comfortable as hell. I want one of them. But anyway, this is where me and her spent nearly every night night talking about stuff, watching King of the Hill, and frequently drying her tears among other activities. But this first night, my head was in her lap and we were just talking about random things and she stopped me self depreciating humor to ask me why I hate myself.

This conversation of course went to about 4am with her grilling me on all my insecurities and convincing me that I was worthy of love, especially hers. Never in my life had anyone shown me that type of compassion, patience and kindness while listening… actually listening to my problems and giving me real solutions.

These late nights went on for weeks.

But as the days and weeks went by, Ida was crying… a lot because Ken was getting more controlling, starting to lie, and making her feel like she made a huge mistake.

Meanwhile, Tom was in the other house, saw and heard things that were going on… and decided to be passive and ignore it.

I decided it would be the best of I got out of there. But I wasn’t going to just leave her there and have her suffer. So I stayed, just to make sure she stayed all right. And I tried to keep her as happy and positive as possible, getting her out of the house sometimes. When we were out together she smiled a lot, she was happy, so I was happy.

But now things get a little hairy. Ida as I learned was polyamorous (or so she says) I actually did talk to her boyfriend in her old city. He was a chill dude, beard and all that. I’m like okay, I don’t know how long this can truly last. But as long as everyone is happy, so was I.

A couple of weeks later she was holding it together as well as she could, as was I. But I could tell she was at her end. She was crying more, smoking more. But it all came to a head when she went to her sister’s house.  I of course went along with my day and was like… I don’t want to hang around with the unstable liar all weekend. So Ida told me to come hang out with her and play with the dog.

So I jumped at that chance, and I spent the night there.

While I was eating breakfast with her, Ken calls me and tells me to get my shit out of the house. That he and Ida don’t want me there. Which is weird to hear when she’s sitting in front of me. She of course was pissed and decided she was leaving too. So we went and got our stuff. And that was that. All the whole way, hearing Ida scream on the phone about how I stole her.

But a day later, I’m at my friends, where I reside now. I was seen Ida about one a week, we’d talk and enjoy each other’s company. But things were a little different. Quite a few times, we were interrupted by her other boyfriend, even when we actually out on a date. Is that a rude thing? I’d say so. But anyway, the weird thing about this one is that I had zero contact with this one. I just knew she would always get texts from him at the worst time and she’d get preoccupied.

And I even planned some things in advance, and of course I get trumped by a much more expensive thing planned by the other boyfriend… on the same day. Naturally this doesn’t make you feel good. But she apologized, said we’ll hang out and stuff for Christmas. There’d be lots of dogs and it’ll be fun. Awesome.

I got her a very heartfelt gift and everything, but there was one problem.

I didn’t hear a word from her.

-Days went by.

A week, two weeks.

I was able to catch her, and told her that we needed to talk, because of course, just ignoring a person you say you love for that long is a little disconcerting. She agreed and said we’d meet next week.

I still haven’t seen her. She never responded to any more of my messages, and took the time to change her profile picture to her and her boyfriend so yeah, that was kinda it for me dawg. Like, just doing something like that to somebody isn’t fixing whatever problem it is. You’re just telling someone to fuck themselves.

It’s just abusive quite frankly. She knew quite well I have a problem with that and I’m sure it was purposeful.

It was really a new emotion for me, heartbreak, I mean true heartbreak. But then again, maybe it’s not new. I felt the same way when my dog died.

This was at the turn of the new year, so it’s taken me a minute to write about it because I wanted to write about it in a positive manner, and I was just upset to levels unknown to myself. Had I written this then, I wouldn’t have had a lot of nice things to say about her. Terrible, vile things. But even if they do deserve it, I’m not going to be the one to dish out anger and insults. I have better things to do.

But all in all I just know this. I NEVER EVER EVER want to make anyone feel the way I felt and honestly still do. Even if it’s not working out, that person deserves basic love and respect.

She even told me, “If we’re going to be rubbing our genitals on each other and shit we need to talk about everything.”

I have so many issues that were actually being dealt with and helped with, including the monster known as abandonment issues.

She looked me dead in the eye and said she’d never leave me.

She said I needed professional help with that and a few other issue.

I sure as fuck do now that’s for sure.

I’m not even so mad about breaking up and all. I’m mad that all that personal growth really feels like a lot of wasted time. And there were betrayals at every turn that really put me in a worse place mentally than when I actually started. That pisses me off.

And I have to go ahead and say, she doesn’t represent those in poly relations. Not by a long shot. The people I know in those relationships are some of the happiest people I know. They put a lot of work into it but reap a ton of great benefits. This is just a perfect example on how those relationships shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be jaded or anything, I’ll just write it off as a bad experience that doesn’t represent that whole.

When it comes to be, in a romantic capacity, I’m a naturer, which shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone who knows me (Did you eat breakfast, did you take your medicine, are you feeling okay today). But I just hope they return the favor and make me happy… however

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So I tend to be nervous as hell and question every move I make. Simply out of fear. Even if there’s really nothing I have to worry about.

It’s like this, it’s not the sex I’m worry about the most. Granted it was good, quite good, the best part was the thought that something thinks I’m cool enough and worthy enough to love all the time. Someone who’s legit excited to see you every day and can’t stop thinking about you. That’s true love and it’s just the coolest thing to experience. And that’s what I want more than anything.

All I can be glad about is that I’m still alive and have my physical health. Here’s to good women… or those that are at least trying to be good.

Do I harbor any hatred? If there’s any it’s only towards certain individuals who were THERE and saw things happening but just ignored it because it wasn’t effecting them yet.

As for the woman… no, I don’t have any hatred at all. I’m sad that she’s missing out on someone like me. Think about it, anyone who’d stick it out with you through those levels of bullshit is a keeper.

I’m worthy of someone, just a matter of who and when. And it’s okay because it’ll happen when it happens.

Welcome to Purgatory: Trying to understand life after trying to take your own.

RS5420_RS5411_Clown's Face-low

Welcome to purgatory my friends.

Of course I mean a mental one, not an actual physical one… or is purgatory purely spiritual? But that’s for another day. I’m simply referring to a negative state of mind you can’t get out of. It feels like you do everything you can, but you just end up right back where you started. Like you’re fenced in by failure, anxiety, or whatever else you might perceive is weighing you down.

You’ll spend your days, not necessarily depressed, but more hopeless. You haven’t given up but you just seem to be spinning your wheels.

In my case, it comes off my suicide attempt. Of course I didn’t die (this was almost 10 years ago now.) But as you’re going through all those failures and hardships, even a decade later, no matter how many good things happened, you’re brought back to this terrible place where you started.

You sit there some days and you just want to die. But you know you’ve already tried that. That shit hurt and didn’t even work out for you then. Maybe you just weren’t meant to die then for whatever reason. But now you know that you’re stuck in this world for the time being whether you want to or not. It’s completely out of your hands.

when-you-wake-up-and-realize-youre-still-alive-wack-9864460

 

What can be done?

People will tell you to “Just get over it”. Well you can’t, this mess is going to haunt you in one way or another for the rest of your life. So there’s no simple fix. Drinking and drugs only mask it.

I honestly can’t tell you. What you can do is take every day one at a time. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the issue, because it’s really not that simple. Everyone’s going to feel the way they’re going to feel. I just choose to work on making other people happy. Movies and stuff are always a great escape for me when I’m at my lowest. So I want to give back that way. And memes, I love to share memes and laughs with others. Not to mention dogs. I love dogs. I love working with them and petting and loving them.

Between those things I find it makes the days almost tolerable.

In the end, I think it’s about making sure no one feels the same terrible way I do every single day of my existence.

48 Hour Film Festival and the Future

We did the 48 Hour Film Festival Chicago a couple of weeks ago. And the movie screened. We didn’t win shit, as expected. But that’s totally okay and I’ll tell you why.

Even though no one showed up to my screening (and I mean no one, not even my cast. That hurt a bit.) I did get some loud and honest laughs, and that was super cool. It was all I really wanted.

Afterwards, I was feeling a bit down, with people not showing up and what not. But then someone approached me and asked if I’m that guy who made that DDR movie. Yes, apparently people are still talking about that. But it affirms my belief that it’s the audience that’s important. Leave them with an experience they won’t forget. Which is what I’m taking into my next thing. You’ll see more on that later.

Will I enter again? I dunno. I don’t have a team I can really trust to deliver in the clutch (as of right now). This year was a measuring stick to find out everything I have to do from that moment on. Considering I had to scramble to get people actually IN this thing after letting everyone know a month in advance hurts a bit. That made my casting choices suffer. Nothing against those guys, but they’re not actors. Denise is the only one of them who could act out of a wet paper bag. But I’m glad those guys showed up. We had really good conversation. But that’s really it.

Much as I love the 48 Hour I like to spend more time and plan stuff. But it’s been a good few years.

 

Handling One’s Anxiety.

Okay. We’re  doing something a little different today. Its all fun qnd games mostly,  but sometimes its serious  time.

Today is serious time.
I want to talk to you about a problem that im just finally accepting that i need help with.  And i see its quite common around those i happen to observe.

Anxiety. 

I generally  don’t complain about it because I  dont want my anxiety to define me at all. I’ve always considered talking about it “being a baby”. So i guess  it’s  time to grab a bottle. Because its a real problem. And it really does explain the person i am.

Even this morning,  i was thinking about my job. My job is shitty and the first thing i do when i get home is cry. That isnt fun. I just get overwelmed by the things that happen. All of which are out of my control.  But i cant really  tell folks at the job because they honestly already  make fun of me for looking tired and being stressed out. Of course  this is no joke.
Its made me into what i think is a shell of a person. I reach out to people thinking  i can get some insight. But i generally end up listening to their problems instead. Which is fine, i like helping.

Whether its fighting  game tourney or Roller Derby, it’s painful and scary just to be there. Even though i want to be there and have fun. Im sure they’re nice people. But i just cant bring myself to be there with the other people.  Its overwhelming. But again, i felt like i was being a baby. I wanted to do those things so badly but my own self got in the way.

Its been like this my whole life. Even when i went into the military  they said i had it. But i decided  to tough it out and it turned  into a suicide attempt. Its nothing to take lightly.

I always try and talk to people when they’re suffering depression  or aniity. The two tend to go hand in hand. Just hang and just listen to them talk. It could make all the difference.
And if you can get help. Get it as so as you can. And im around too if you wanna talk about stuff. Listening is the one superpower  i actually got.

What’s New and What’s Going down.

New day, new year. All the bullshit. But hey, it’s all for the better.

Time has been here for a minute to figure out what to do next. I’m back in Chicago so I have a ton resources at my disposal one again.

But there’s a big problem that I was having. I didn’t really know where I belonged. I have this problem where I’m just not posh enough to hang out with the cool kids. Whether it be film, derby, or fighting games. I just never really fit in. No matter how much I wanted to. But it wasn’t all because they weren’t completely nice (some where actually quite cool) but it’s my problem of wanting to be me and no one else. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t kiss ass to anyone, don’t care who they are. Nor will I treat anyone differently than anyone else for any reason.

Which leads me to what I’m doing, we’re expanding what we’re doing.

We’re going to be active on Twitch and Youtube again… as well as Soundcloud now, doing various gaming a podcast type things. Got stuff planned, and it’s going to be fun.

On top of that, we’ll be releasing short films more often and maybe a new series or a feature or something. Dunno, we’re taking larger projects by ear. The focus is going to be on small, self contained things for now as the staff builds.

My intention is to build a space where we can all feel more comfortable being ourselves and making the things we want to make without the fear or necessity of having to conform to elements that might not be worth conforming for. No need to be posh, we’re just here to make cool stuff. It’s what makes us happy and fulfilled.

Not surprisingly I’m not alone in my sentiments.

There’s no doubt at all in what I want to do. I want to make stuff that’s fun. Not only for me but for those watching. That’s always the number one priority. However that can be a little difficult sometimes when you’re trying to make something new. It’s not always going to go the way you want it. But the important thing in the long run is to try and do things differently because you never know, you could be on to something.

But that’s where we’re at now. We’ll make some staff announcements soon. Yay. Let’s go.

 

See you guys at C2E2.

Let’s Waste Some Time: On the movie, leaving leaving for Indiana, and general life lessons. Trying to make movie in Chicago, and other things you may or may not be interested in..

It’s been a crazy time filming this movie, I have to say. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But that’s kind of the way I am. If there’s not challenge then something will always seem off. I feel like it won’t be as awesome as awesome as it could or should. Everything I do I always give a lot more than I should. Why? Because I love what I do.
Why do I do it if it causes you such pain and frustration?
It’s simple. Look at my life. My life sucks. It just sucks. I got a family that hates my guts and has gone as far to try and have me institutionalized (that was a great story). Then you have so called friends that don’t even acknowledge your presence… until of course they need something. Then they feel like talking. It’s pathetic quite frankly. Time and time again

This is why I make movies. I have a unique chance to make people’s lives not suck so much for an hour or two at a time. It’s something I do pretty okay I must say (though I’m sure some would disagree.) But it really makes me feel like I’m contributing something.

It’s never about me. It’s about the project and everyone in it. I do my very best to stand up for my guys. I pay them. Everything about every movie is funded out of my own pocket because I believe in what I’m doing. I put everything into it.

I honestly wish those I work with felt the same  way. It’s a little heartbreaking sometimes but you really have to push through it.. They don’t know how hard you work or that most of their day is, but they’re actors. What do you truly expect right?

So I came to the decision that it’s time to go. There’s really nothing for me here. Much as I like Chicago I don’t really like the people that are in it quite frankly. It just seems like everyone is really full of shit as I’m learning. Lot of talk. Not a lot of doing. And I hate that. The more we talk, that’s less time we have to really get down and dirty and finish things that need to be finished and whatnot. It’s frustrating to say the least.

That’s kinda the deal with trying anything unusual and new. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve had more support abroad for all of my projects than I’ve had in my own city. It’s like I have the plague. No one wants to really be associated with me, and those that do… don’t even really mention me at all. Like I’m nothing. Again, that really sucks but I’ve tried to not let it bother me. Have to have that diamond skin you know.

However, I’m a man of my word. And even though I’m moving to Goshen, Indiana I’m going to travel the 2 hours back quite frequently to finish it. Why? Because I’m a man of my word. And we’re going to finish the damn movie. Happy with anyone or not, I have to get it done because I don’t give up on things because they’re hard. I guess that’s the gamer in me.

But hopefully I can go where people don’t know me, make new friends, and finish school. Then go wherever I please from that point on. It should be fun times ahead. And I’ll be looking forward to watching roller derby and helping Willie because no one knows how to use a camera.

 

All and all, it took me a number of years, but I’ve come to this conclusion.

 

It’s not me, it’s them. I’m a nice, cool, guy. Everyone else just sucks and the people I know don’t deserve me.

If feels good to say for once. Fuck being humble. This city is awful and I can’t wait to be away from all these people for a very very long time.

“Friends will help you get your movie made”. Don’t make me fucking laugh. They’re the worst. Keep them the hell away from your movie.

Not-sure-if-dvz8nf So you’re going to make a movie. That’s great. You’re a really brave person. I realize now just how much courage I had to do what I do despite the mountains of opposition. That opposition of course being… ya know, everyone and everything. But this article isn’t exactly about “The Struggle” it’s about relationships. I’m sure if you’re alive, you have friends. Or if you’re here on the internet reading my musings about absolutely nothing and you have you damn friends.

Anyway, when I started making movies, I was told to not pay people right away, but to find friends willing to help. Being broke as hell I didn’t really have much of a choice. I managed to find people who would help and it was great. We got things filmed and it was actually rather simplistic. With the next movie, “Pump it Up: The Warrior’s Path”, we really upped the stakes… despite the issues that turned up… it was actually pretty good. HOWEVER, friends jumped on the project and seemed to support at first. But then when the actual work came around, they were sudden hard to contact… or would just flat out lie about going to shoots and leaving me high, dry, and looking like a fucking idiot. But a good directer/producer knows how to work around it. Always plan for the worst. That brings me to the current move I’ve been working on, “Everything Else: The Warrior’s Path. I’ve really leaned on those friends for support once more. But again, the lies all over the place. It’s crazy. We were supposed to film at once place on the 10th of May. It’s Ryzen’s house. We’ve been there in the past couple of movies. However, flaked on me at the very last second. Or the guy who was SUPPOSED to play Langer, has lied to me twice and is most likely going to get punched in the face by me really soon.

So remember, your friends most likely lack the passion, heart, and honor to make films. Or even to actually be real friends at all. Always remember to question everything in your friendships. You want good people on your movie? Pay them. Until then, get ready to deal with your shitty friends. I know now that mine have no heart. It sucks.

My friend and colleague Barrett… Needs More Credit

ImageThat hat was almost as good of a purchase as my horse head. Almost.

You may have remembered this guy and his shotgun loading antics. Well, he’s not with us anymore, he died last week. Not only did I really lose a one of a kind character, I also lost a one of a kind friend.

I remember when I first met him. I believe it was at Brunswick Zone: Oak Lawn when we were playing ITG a lot. Because kids, ITG used to be fun at one point. There was a rather large group of us, maybe a dozen or more who would just come in on Fridays and play rounds with one another. I don’t exactly remember how good Barrett was at ITG, but he would always show up with John (also pictured).

We really started hanging out more after I cast him in my first movie. He was really into acting and I can tell. Whenever someone is really into their role, it shows and you can always just sit down and think about how awesome it was. And you can just mention it and people will know what you’re talking about.

I’m talking about the shotgun scene. You all know what I mean.

But as the director, it’s good when an actor comes to you and really wants to break the character down with you… you know… like actors are supposed to do. Take note of that everyone. Believe it or not, the man actually knew what he was doing acting wise if you knew it or not. He would really disappear into character… as much as Barrett can anyway, because there was no one like him.

I remember one time on set, our camera guy Josh, who’s a fucking turd (just my opinion, I’m sure his mom loves him.) had his headphones on check the mic levels or something. The microphones we used are super sensitive and Barrett just yelled “Buttfuck” into it really loud, blew that turd’s hearing out for a little while. I found it hilarious, even then.

He was also in the 2nd movie, but we had to cut his scene after said turd stole a ton of footage from us and really messed up the movie as a whole. Those scenes are going to be put into the 3rd movie which I’m working on right now. And he was going to be a major player in this 3rd movie too, but unfortunately that’s not going to happen. Some rewrites are happening and we’ll get to filming in about a month.

Away from the film, we didn’t hang out as much as I would have liked. But when we did it was always a good time. He told the best stories… I love the one of Shadow and Shadow G. I forget how it went though.

I remember driving him home one day and we started talking about Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” and the true meaning of it. The guy was really passionate about verses.

I guess that’s why he was so into poetry. Most people didn’t know this at all. But he’s been writing poetry since… well… a while. He would periodically send me stuff to read. I was course did and was presently surprised. It really looked like something he put his heart and soul into. Much like I do when I write and we bonded quite a bit over that. I really wish I could actually write poetry, but I lack emotions and stuff. But I respect those who can get their emotions on paper like that. He always said he wanted the world to see his poetry… I dunno, maybe we can do that. We’ll see.

I was just telling my friend last month that people don’t give Barrett enough credit. Him and I were really similar that way. People just simply misunderstood who we were and what we were trying to accomplish with what we do. They tend to fear us or just push us aside… which really isn’t right but that’s how we are in America I guess.

I just honestly wish everyone else saw what I saw. They’d think a little bit differently.

Guess I’ll close with that. I’ll certainly miss you Barrett. This next movie is for you and Jim.

Why Indie Filmmaking is Just High School All Over Again

It’s just me, doing that dangerous “Thinking” thing again as I struggle with my own self to make it from movie to movie without going completely crazy. It’s a tough thing sometimes and I try to rationalize it into something I’m familiar with.

And it came to me.

High School. And I’ll give you two reasons why

HighSchoolMusical

 

Okay, but there’s fewer catchy tunes and we all can’t be as photogenic as ol Zac.

 

1. Money

-In high school, you had two types of people. Those of us who are broke. And those that are rich and have things just given to them. I , despite rich parents was a victim of tickle down economics. So I was poor and had to work for everything that I got. But you had the rich kids that would go to fucking McDonalds for lunch every day. I was fucking jelly with my PB&J. But Goddammit it was the best fucking PB&J on wheat bread and I was still fed in the end.

-Same goes for making movies. You have people like me, who are trying to make really cool shit out of nothing. It’s quite a feat to even get a movie off the ground when you got no money. Money talks. Then you have those white suburban people with the parents that love and support their career choice to go into filmmaking. Again, I envy those people. But I know my hard work is truly going to pay off someday so it’s okay. It only helps me appreciate things more when I do get them and puts more weight on surrounding myself with good people. Which again, is good for the long run.

2. Cliques

– Damn, I never thought I’d have to use that term again. But we all remember those groups that tended to hang out together. Usually during lunch. Then you had people like me who were sort of an outcast, but had your other outcasty friends and you all formed your little outcast group out of pure survival. All the while, you had the popular kids who had big tables full of friends simply because they were “The Guy”

-Same thing happens in indie film world. Literally. You have groups of actors and stuff that stick together. This is all good and healthy. Just like high school. However, you do see a ton of worship somethings and it just makes you sit back and just watch in disbelief. If this person wasn’t doing all these things, would you even talk to them if you saw them on the street somewhere? The answer is always no. These groups, like in high school will single people out and basically tell them to fuck up. Even if they don’t even really no the person at all and that’s just fucked up. That’s part of the reason why I’m reluctant to go to these artists meetings. No one is leveling up. Everyone is just stroking their cocks and showing fucking suicide movies. Everyone thinks they’re being artsy but they’re really just forgetting they’re in the fucking entertainment industry. Entertain and/or move people or get the fuck out of the way and let someone else do it who truly wants that shit. It’s a hard world out there and we need to stick together.

 

That’s all I really have to say on the matter. I just have to work a little bit harder.