memes

It’s 2019. We back.

Okay, it’s the new year and I’m back. Here’s really what’s going to be.

As much as I stream, that’s not really my main game obviously. I make movies and stuff. shorts, features, whatever I can really do. I do.

That said, they plans for 2019 are heavily based on that.

I plan to have a short film (at least) once a month. I’ll be cronicleing that process through streams as I process everything. Cast stuff, whatever.
Then I’ll post the results here and on Youtube. Depends on how much reach I can get with either platform.

Far as streaming goes. It’s going down every night at 9pm when I get home from work.

Mental Health Monday:
I know Mondays are really tough. So we’re going to play some chill games like Hearthstone and just talk about what made is feels stuff that day.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I’m gonna be playing something. Dunno what. You guys give me some ideas. I’ll try and get some sort of rotation going.

Thursday Nights: Is the Thursday Show. It’s a day when I bring on a guest and we talk about a particular topic. Lelani already wants to talk about some shit with me so that’s nice (she’s a great lady)
But it’s not your average little podcast. The first half is spend talking about stuff. The second half we put on some games like Jackbox and get that dark humor flowing.
This will happen as soon as I get to someplace where I have an actual desk again. Shouldn’t be long.

Friday Mornings will be Office Hour.
I’ll just popup and show you what writing and/or film related stuff has been going down and maybe ask for some ideas about where I should go next.

So yeah, there we go. That’s where we’re at.
——-

But as for where I’m at.
I’m currently at a home for homeless veterans. Me standing up for my fellow employees landed me where I didn’t want to be. That’s how it goes sometimes. Would I do it differently. No, because where I was working was pretty stupid and terrible. But that’s a story I can tell another time if you want to hear it. Got pretty screwed to say the least. But I’m finally getting some veterans benefits that have been owed to me for a decade.

Yes, a decade.

Basically, I’m starting from scratch. Gotta get all my equipment back. Everything. But I guess it’s for the best. But , as I work at Dyson (I work the order backend and don’t get paid enough), at least for the next couple of months, I’m going to try and make this a full time thing. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll have a new place in a couple of weeks hopefully. I can set up the studio so I don’t have to have this poverty setup at half power.

How can you help. You can like and share the hell out of the page. You can give me ideas of things to write about. Those are the most important.

Then we got the amazon list for the office
(It’s mostly for me so I remember what the hell I have to buy) https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1J4D0L4KXP1VR…, but hopefully I can be at full strength soon. I just need a desk, my back screams out for it.

But hey, thanks for reading. Let’s go do fun stuff. Let’s play some games. Let’s make some movies.

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Welcome to Purgatory: Trying to understand life after trying to take your own.

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Welcome to purgatory my friends.

Of course I mean a mental one, not an actual physical one… or is purgatory purely spiritual? But that’s for another day. I’m simply referring to a negative state of mind you can’t get out of. It feels like you do everything you can, but you just end up right back where you started. Like you’re fenced in by failure, anxiety, or whatever else you might perceive is weighing you down.

You’ll spend your days, not necessarily depressed, but more hopeless. You haven’t given up but you just seem to be spinning your wheels.

In my case, it comes off my suicide attempt. Of course I didn’t die (this was almost 10 years ago now.) But as you’re going through all those failures and hardships, even a decade later, no matter how many good things happened, you’re brought back to this terrible place where you started.

You sit there some days and you just want to die. But you know you’ve already tried that. That shit hurt and didn’t even work out for you then. Maybe you just weren’t meant to die then for whatever reason. But now you know that you’re stuck in this world for the time being whether you want to or not. It’s completely out of your hands.

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What can be done?

People will tell you to “Just get over it”. Well you can’t, this mess is going to haunt you in one way or another for the rest of your life. So there’s no simple fix. Drinking and drugs only mask it.

I honestly can’t tell you. What you can do is take every day one at a time. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the issue, because it’s really not that simple. Everyone’s going to feel the way they’re going to feel. I just choose to work on making other people happy. Movies and stuff are always a great escape for me when I’m at my lowest. So I want to give back that way. And memes, I love to share memes and laughs with others. Not to mention dogs. I love dogs. I love working with them and petting and loving them.

Between those things I find it makes the days almost tolerable.

In the end, I think it’s about making sure no one feels the same terrible way I do every single day of my existence.