sadness

Welcome to Purgatory: Trying to understand life after trying to take your own.

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Welcome to purgatory my friends.

Of course I mean a mental one, not an actual physical one… or is purgatory purely spiritual? But that’s for another day. I’m simply referring to a negative state of mind you can’t get out of. It feels like you do everything you can, but you just end up right back where you started. Like you’re fenced in by failure, anxiety, or whatever else you might perceive is weighing you down.

You’ll spend your days, not necessarily depressed, but more hopeless. You haven’t given up but you just seem to be spinning your wheels.

In my case, it comes off my suicide attempt. Of course I didn’t die (this was almost 10 years ago now.) But as you’re going through all those failures and hardships, even a decade later, no matter how many good things happened, you’re brought back to this terrible place where you started.

You sit there some days and you just want to die. But you know you’ve already tried that. That shit hurt and didn’t even work out for you then. Maybe you just weren’t meant to die then for whatever reason. But now you know that you’re stuck in this world for the time being whether you want to or not. It’s completely out of your hands.

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What can be done?

People will tell you to “Just get over it”. Well you can’t, this mess is going to haunt you in one way or another for the rest of your life. So there’s no simple fix. Drinking and drugs only mask it.

I honestly can’t tell you. What you can do is take every day one at a time. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the issue, because it’s really not that simple. Everyone’s going to feel the way they’re going to feel. I just choose to work on making other people happy. Movies and stuff are always a great escape for me when I’m at my lowest. So I want to give back that way. And memes, I love to share memes and laughs with others. Not to mention dogs. I love dogs. I love working with them and petting and loving them.

Between those things I find it makes the days almost tolerable.

In the end, I think it’s about making sure no one feels the same terrible way I do every single day of my existence.

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Handling One’s Anxiety.

Okay. We’re  doing something a little different today. Its all fun qnd games mostly,  but sometimes its serious  time.

Today is serious time.
I want to talk to you about a problem that im just finally accepting that i need help with.  And i see its quite common around those i happen to observe.

Anxiety. 

I generally  don’t complain about it because I  dont want my anxiety to define me at all. I’ve always considered talking about it “being a baby”. So i guess  it’s  time to grab a bottle. Because its a real problem. And it really does explain the person i am.

Even this morning,  i was thinking about my job. My job is shitty and the first thing i do when i get home is cry. That isnt fun. I just get overwelmed by the things that happen. All of which are out of my control.  But i cant really  tell folks at the job because they honestly already  make fun of me for looking tired and being stressed out. Of course  this is no joke.
Its made me into what i think is a shell of a person. I reach out to people thinking  i can get some insight. But i generally end up listening to their problems instead. Which is fine, i like helping.

Whether its fighting  game tourney or Roller Derby, it’s painful and scary just to be there. Even though i want to be there and have fun. Im sure they’re nice people. But i just cant bring myself to be there with the other people.  Its overwhelming. But again, i felt like i was being a baby. I wanted to do those things so badly but my own self got in the way.

Its been like this my whole life. Even when i went into the military  they said i had it. But i decided  to tough it out and it turned  into a suicide attempt. Its nothing to take lightly.

I always try and talk to people when they’re suffering depression  or aniity. The two tend to go hand in hand. Just hang and just listen to them talk. It could make all the difference.
And if you can get help. Get it as so as you can. And im around too if you wanna talk about stuff. Listening is the one superpower  i actually got.