Philosophy

Philosophy is shared

Handling One’s Anxiety.

Okay. We’re  doing something a little different today. Its all fun qnd games mostly,  but sometimes its serious  time.

Today is serious time.
I want to talk to you about a problem that im just finally accepting that i need help with.  And i see its quite common around those i happen to observe.

Anxiety. 

I generally  don’t complain about it because I  dont want my anxiety to define me at all. I’ve always considered talking about it “being a baby”. So i guess  it’s  time to grab a bottle. Because its a real problem. And it really does explain the person i am.

Even this morning,  i was thinking about my job. My job is shitty and the first thing i do when i get home is cry. That isnt fun. I just get overwelmed by the things that happen. All of which are out of my control.  But i cant really  tell folks at the job because they honestly already  make fun of me for looking tired and being stressed out. Of course  this is no joke.
Its made me into what i think is a shell of a person. I reach out to people thinking  i can get some insight. But i generally end up listening to their problems instead. Which is fine, i like helping.

Whether its fighting  game tourney or Roller Derby, it’s painful and scary just to be there. Even though i want to be there and have fun. Im sure they’re nice people. But i just cant bring myself to be there with the other people.  Its overwhelming. But again, i felt like i was being a baby. I wanted to do those things so badly but my own self got in the way.

Its been like this my whole life. Even when i went into the military  they said i had it. But i decided  to tough it out and it turned  into a suicide attempt. Its nothing to take lightly.

I always try and talk to people when they’re suffering depression  or aniity. The two tend to go hand in hand. Just hang and just listen to them talk. It could make all the difference.
And if you can get help. Get it as so as you can. And im around too if you wanna talk about stuff. Listening is the one superpower  i actually got.

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What’s New and What’s Going down.

New day, new year. All the bullshit. But hey, it’s all for the better.

Time has been here for a minute to figure out what to do next. I’m back in Chicago so I have a ton resources at my disposal one again.

But there’s a big problem that I was having. I didn’t really know where I belonged. I have this problem where I’m just not posh enough to hang out with the cool kids. Whether it be film, derby, or fighting games. I just never really fit in. No matter how much I wanted to. But it wasn’t all because they weren’t completely nice (some where actually quite cool) but it’s my problem of wanting to be me and no one else. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t kiss ass to anyone, don’t care who they are. Nor will I treat anyone differently than anyone else for any reason.

Which leads me to what I’m doing, we’re expanding what we’re doing.

We’re going to be active on Twitch and Youtube again… as well as Soundcloud now, doing various gaming a podcast type things. Got stuff planned, and it’s going to be fun.

On top of that, we’ll be releasing short films more often and maybe a new series or a feature or something. Dunno, we’re taking larger projects by ear. The focus is going to be on small, self contained things for now as the staff builds.

My intention is to build a space where we can all feel more comfortable being ourselves and making the things we want to make without the fear or necessity of having to conform to elements that might not be worth conforming for. No need to be posh, we’re just here to make cool stuff. It’s what makes us happy and fulfilled.

Not surprisingly I’m not alone in my sentiments.

There’s no doubt at all in what I want to do. I want to make stuff that’s fun. Not only for me but for those watching. That’s always the number one priority. However that can be a little difficult sometimes when you’re trying to make something new. It’s not always going to go the way you want it. But the important thing in the long run is to try and do things differently because you never know, you could be on to something.

But that’s where we’re at now. We’ll make some staff announcements soon. Yay. Let’s go.

 

See you guys at C2E2.

Story Time

It’s story time. Because I got more writing down and I just wanna go to bed.

People ask me what I do all day, it’s simple I work on stuff.
Now I see a ton of people working on whatever craft it is. And I have to ask, what exactly are they going for and who do they want to be? I could go on and on about metaphorical casting couch all day. But that would be a long and hilarious conversation for another day. Just remind me to kill myself if I ever start to be that vain person.

For me, what I do goes back many many years to kindergarten. I guess being able to read and write at that particular age was a big deal. And I wasn’t eating paste, so that’s good. But I also enjoyed writing stories. People seemed to like them. And that never really stopped.

Then we go forward 14 years to homeless college student me who has to decide between school and starving to death. Of course opting for not staving. I always looked forward to going to the movies on Fridays and spending the day there until I had to go to work. As you know it’s a shitty existence to say the least. But sitting there and losing myself in those movies made everything okay for a little bit.

I really liked that feeling. Kept my life from being a complete shithole instead of half of one.

So after the air force thing and the mental hospital thing (that wasn’t my fault) I started to actually do stuff.

I’m not trying to tell people how they should feel or make some artsy and pretentious when I make a movie. You’re not going to remember those movies in a year usually.

I’m trying to make something that someone can watch and just feel great while watching it. I want to help people in the same way that movies helped me back then, and still do. Not that I don’t like an artsy shmegegge every now and then.

To see people laughing and having a good time, I feel like I did my job. Go me.

I know I’m not the only person who thinks like that but I think I’ll eventually run into them as I continue to make fun stuff for others and try to treat others well.

I’m not a popular guy or even a nice guy. I’m not touchy feely And will never be liked by the masses unless he has something they want (this already happens) But I’m never going to pretend to be something I’m not.

So I’m never blowing people off, I’m always trying to make stuff out of nothing. And it rarely turns into anything.

C-Block: Let’s Talk About The format

Been getting a ton of questions about distribution. How’s it going to work, do you have it lined up… and so forth.

It’s actually quite simple. The web series format is a new breed, but it’s a breed that everyone has access to… if that makes any damn sense at all. I can make everyone as long or short as I need it, and everything I have is mine and is controlled (mostly) by me. Which means you won’t have to go to the middle of nowhere just to see it.

The alternative would be to take it to festival after festival, where barely no one will see it. Sure, by doing so it gets you all kinds of personal accolades, but it doesn’t really do you much good in the long run when people actually want to see your stuff. And since this is crowdfunded, I want to people to see the work being made as soon as I can get it to them. Not a year or so afterwards when I’m done jacking myself off at film festivals you’ve never heard of. i’d be good for me, not for anyone else, especially you, the viewers who have been patient enough as it is.

I’m in the business of fun and entertainment. I just want you guys to have fun to, and as much as possible. Thus, we’re making a web series and getting quality content to you as quickly as humanly possible. The audience is what matters and I know what you want, even if you don’t know it yet.

Now I have to rest because I’m skating tomorrow. Lucky me.

Be sure to donate, so I can make this monster of a series.

I’ll see you all next time.

Here’s the link for you guys. Share it up..

http://igg.me/at/cblock/x/11154

Let’s Waste Some Time: On the movie, leaving leaving for Indiana, and general life lessons. Trying to make movie in Chicago, and other things you may or may not be interested in..

It’s been a crazy time filming this movie, I have to say. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But that’s kind of the way I am. If there’s not challenge then something will always seem off. I feel like it won’t be as awesome as awesome as it could or should. Everything I do I always give a lot more than I should. Why? Because I love what I do.
Why do I do it if it causes you such pain and frustration?
It’s simple. Look at my life. My life sucks. It just sucks. I got a family that hates my guts and has gone as far to try and have me institutionalized (that was a great story). Then you have so called friends that don’t even acknowledge your presence… until of course they need something. Then they feel like talking. It’s pathetic quite frankly. Time and time again

This is why I make movies. I have a unique chance to make people’s lives not suck so much for an hour or two at a time. It’s something I do pretty okay I must say (though I’m sure some would disagree.) But it really makes me feel like I’m contributing something.

It’s never about me. It’s about the project and everyone in it. I do my very best to stand up for my guys. I pay them. Everything about every movie is funded out of my own pocket because I believe in what I’m doing. I put everything into it.

I honestly wish those I work with felt the same  way. It’s a little heartbreaking sometimes but you really have to push through it.. They don’t know how hard you work or that most of their day is, but they’re actors. What do you truly expect right?

So I came to the decision that it’s time to go. There’s really nothing for me here. Much as I like Chicago I don’t really like the people that are in it quite frankly. It just seems like everyone is really full of shit as I’m learning. Lot of talk. Not a lot of doing. And I hate that. The more we talk, that’s less time we have to really get down and dirty and finish things that need to be finished and whatnot. It’s frustrating to say the least.

That’s kinda the deal with trying anything unusual and new. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve had more support abroad for all of my projects than I’ve had in my own city. It’s like I have the plague. No one wants to really be associated with me, and those that do… don’t even really mention me at all. Like I’m nothing. Again, that really sucks but I’ve tried to not let it bother me. Have to have that diamond skin you know.

However, I’m a man of my word. And even though I’m moving to Goshen, Indiana I’m going to travel the 2 hours back quite frequently to finish it. Why? Because I’m a man of my word. And we’re going to finish the damn movie. Happy with anyone or not, I have to get it done because I don’t give up on things because they’re hard. I guess that’s the gamer in me.

But hopefully I can go where people don’t know me, make new friends, and finish school. Then go wherever I please from that point on. It should be fun times ahead. And I’ll be looking forward to watching roller derby and helping Willie because no one knows how to use a camera.

 

All and all, it took me a number of years, but I’ve come to this conclusion.

 

It’s not me, it’s them. I’m a nice, cool, guy. Everyone else just sucks and the people I know don’t deserve me.

If feels good to say for once. Fuck being humble. This city is awful and I can’t wait to be away from all these people for a very very long time.

“Friends will help you get your movie made”. Don’t make me fucking laugh. They’re the worst. Keep them the hell away from your movie.

Not-sure-if-dvz8nf So you’re going to make a movie. That’s great. You’re a really brave person. I realize now just how much courage I had to do what I do despite the mountains of opposition. That opposition of course being… ya know, everyone and everything. But this article isn’t exactly about “The Struggle” it’s about relationships. I’m sure if you’re alive, you have friends. Or if you’re here on the internet reading my musings about absolutely nothing and you have you damn friends.

Anyway, when I started making movies, I was told to not pay people right away, but to find friends willing to help. Being broke as hell I didn’t really have much of a choice. I managed to find people who would help and it was great. We got things filmed and it was actually rather simplistic. With the next movie, “Pump it Up: The Warrior’s Path”, we really upped the stakes… despite the issues that turned up… it was actually pretty good. HOWEVER, friends jumped on the project and seemed to support at first. But then when the actual work came around, they were sudden hard to contact… or would just flat out lie about going to shoots and leaving me high, dry, and looking like a fucking idiot. But a good directer/producer knows how to work around it. Always plan for the worst. That brings me to the current move I’ve been working on, “Everything Else: The Warrior’s Path. I’ve really leaned on those friends for support once more. But again, the lies all over the place. It’s crazy. We were supposed to film at once place on the 10th of May. It’s Ryzen’s house. We’ve been there in the past couple of movies. However, flaked on me at the very last second. Or the guy who was SUPPOSED to play Langer, has lied to me twice and is most likely going to get punched in the face by me really soon.

So remember, your friends most likely lack the passion, heart, and honor to make films. Or even to actually be real friends at all. Always remember to question everything in your friendships. You want good people on your movie? Pay them. Until then, get ready to deal with your shitty friends. I know now that mine have no heart. It sucks.

Why Shouldn’t We Give Up? Your Life is a Team Effort

A little pep talk for you all.

I was talking to a younger colleague of mine not too long ago. They were asking me why we need to keep pressing on, even when things get awful and unbearable. When it seems like everyone has left you and no one seems to care or just flat out don’t care. Well the answer honestly isn’t so easy. The world is mean and awful and dark place.

However, it really doesn’t need to be that way for you. I’m sure there are many wonderful people out there who feel it’s their job to just spread all the wonderfulness around. Why shouldn’t that person just be you?

Everyone in this world is important to somebody. I use this analogy when I talk about making movies. It’s all one big team. Like when you’re playing Basketball… if you only have a team of 4 guys on the court instead of the normal 5. Yes, you may be able to function for a little while, but eventually, that 5th person is going to be needed. You don’t know what exactly it is you’re going to be needed for, but you have to be there for when the time comes.

I have to tell myself this from time. I believe that hard work is important. In making movies, you have many many people who depend on you to do everything to the best of your abilities. You have to be there for those guys so they too can do exactly what they have to do. It’s my only purpose of being on this earth and it’s the only way I can justify my existence. It’s not just a hopeful career for me, it’s more like life support. That’s why I care so deeply for my work, and moreso the people I work with whether they know it or not.

But yes, it’s rather discouraging when people don’t see it or don’t think you’re trying. That’s always the worst. The most you can do is continue to go on about your work, whatever it might be. And just try to brighten the world around you just that much every day. We’re here to make things better right?

I’m here to make these movies and help people have a good time. The world sucks and if I can stop people’s lives from sucking for a little while, that’s just grand. It’s even more than grand… dare I say it’s blessing on both fronts. And I hate that word so you better believe it’s a big thing.

So, just knuckle down and do whatever it is you have to do. It’ll build a better you. A better you is good for everyone around you. That goodness will spread and before you know it, you’ll be living a wonderful life.

This is how I hope things will go for me. Maybe it’ll kill me or maybe it won’t. But frankly I’m not the judge of that.

Merry Christmas you guys.