Philosophy is shared

The Last 4 Months: Views on Love, Life, and Trying to Make Positive Lemonade

2017 was a rough year. I didn’t really get anything done creatively like I wanted and I was dealing with one of the worst times of my life in September through January. It’s rough because all I really want to do in life is create stuff and let people have fun.

But anyway, as the title suggests, we have a lot to talk about, so let’s get started.

Things were terrible. I had to sell all my film equipment to just make rent. So yeah, it was hard to say the least. I was still living in my apartment in a certain city. But being out of work since October and only working minimum wage after that so I was barely making ends meet. My landlord, who’s a great guy just couldn’t let me stay there anymore. I was months behind on rent and he knew the situation and helped as much as he could. The end of September came and it was time for me to go. I got rid of almost everything I owned to be ready to live in my car (again).

The day came and I had no where to go. This is where… we’ll call her.. Ida comes in. I had know her for close to a decade. Wonderful woman. We had actually had lunch a few weeks ago prior and we talked about life, romance and whatnot. But now she was assisting me in my move.

Like I said, I had no where to go. And she had gotten into town the same day to stay for good and was moving in with her good friend Ken. He was having issues and troubles and stuff and came all the way from across the country, straight uprooting herself to do so.

That’s a good friend in my book.

Anyway, Ken heard that I was in trouble from Ida and he was like, bring him with you. I had my doubts at first. But the property they were going to live on is also where my old friend Tom lived too. So, living with 3 good friends? What could possibly go wrong? Not that I had many other options I really wanted to explore at the moment. This was a chance to go in  different directions and not fall into old patterns.

When I got to the house, we had been unpack other stuff for a while but alas it was time to sleep. The house was smaller than me and Ida had thought.

Here’s how it was. There were 2 houses on the property. A big house up front where Tom lived and the three of us crammed into the much smaller rear house. Yeah. We’ll get into that later. That said, I should have asked for specifics but I was just glad I wasn’t on the street.

That night I, I had nowhere to sleep and Ida was like, sleep in my room. Tired me wasn’t quite registering what she was saying, but I was on the floor orf her room and she asked what I was doing? And which side of the bed I wanted. It still didn’t register, and my 2 hours of sleep had me in a confused haze. Then she took her clothes off and I was like… okay… I get now. This doesn’t require anymore detail.

The next morning I went down to get some breakfast, Ken was there and we talked for a bit about movies and stuff. And he told me that I’m pretty much everything he looks for in a boyfriend.

Now let’s stop right there. Take note because I’m sure this comes into play.

But Ida came down soon after  and everything was business as always. She was going with Ken to his appointments and whatnot. He would almost act as if he owned her. She was truly not feeling it. And I truly wasn’t feeling it either.

The second night we slept together yet again, and we’re like okay, this is going to be a thing. She was excited, as was I. It was nice, I’m not going lie about it.

But there was trouble a brewing.

Ken confronted me and didn’t want me to sleep with her anymore because of her bad back. I We of course know it was because he was just jealous. Of both the relationship and the fact that I had a lot of her attention. Mostly me listening to her talk. Not a bad thing, I like doing that.

And that night I was on the couch, which was comfortable as hell. I want one of them. But anyway, this is where me and her spent nearly every night night talking about stuff, watching King of the Hill, and frequently drying her tears among other activities. But this first night, my head was in her lap and we were just talking about random things and she stopped me self depreciating humor to ask me why I hate myself.

This conversation of course went to about 4am with her grilling me on all my insecurities and convincing me that I was worthy of love, especially hers. Never in my life had anyone shown me that type of compassion, patience and kindness while listening… actually listening to my problems and giving me real solutions.

These late nights went on for weeks.

But as the days and weeks went by, Ida was crying… a lot because Ken was getting more controlling, starting to lie, and making her feel like she made a huge mistake.

Meanwhile, Tom was in the other house, saw and heard things that were going on… and decided to be passive and ignore it.

I decided it would be the best of I got out of there. But I wasn’t going to just leave her there and have her suffer. So I stayed, just to make sure she stayed all right. And I tried to keep her as happy and positive as possible, getting her out of the house sometimes. When we were out together she smiled a lot, she was happy, so I was happy.

But now things get a little hairy. Ida as I learned was polyamorous (or so she says) I actually did talk to her boyfriend in her old city. He was a chill dude, beard and all that. I’m like okay, I don’t know how long this can truly last. But as long as everyone is happy, so was I.

A couple of weeks later she was holding it together as well as she could, as was I. But I could tell she was at her end. She was crying more, smoking more. But it all came to a head when she went to her sister’s house.  I of course went along with my day and was like… I don’t want to hang around with the unstable liar all weekend. So Ida told me to come hang out with her and play with the dog.

So I jumped at that chance, and I spent the night there.

While I was eating breakfast with her, Ken calls me and tells me to get my shit out of the house. That he and Ida don’t want me there. Which is weird to hear when she’s sitting in front of me. She of course was pissed and decided she was leaving too. So we went and got our stuff. And that was that. All the whole way, hearing Ida scream on the phone about how I stole her.

But a day later, I’m at my friends, where I reside now. I was seen Ida about one a week, we’d talk and enjoy each other’s company. But things were a little different. Quite a few times, we were interrupted by her other boyfriend, even when we actually out on a date. Is that a rude thing? I’d say so. But anyway, the weird thing about this one is that I had zero contact with this one. I just knew she would always get texts from him at the worst time and she’d get preoccupied.

And I even planned some things in advance, and of course I get trumped by a much more expensive thing planned by the other boyfriend… on the same day. Naturally this doesn’t make you feel good. But she apologized, said we’ll hang out and stuff for Christmas. There’d be lots of dogs and it’ll be fun. Awesome.

I got her a very heartfelt gift and everything, but there was one problem.

I didn’t hear a word from her.

-Days went by.

A week, two weeks.

I was able to catch her, and told her that we needed to talk, because of course, just ignoring a person you say you love for that long is a little disconcerting. She agreed and said we’d meet next week.

I still haven’t seen her. She never responded to any more of my messages, and took the time to change her profile picture to her and her boyfriend so yeah, that was kinda it for me dawg. Like, just doing something like that to somebody isn’t fixing whatever problem it is. You’re just telling someone to fuck themselves.

It’s just abusive quite frankly. She knew quite well I have a problem with that and I’m sure it was purposeful.

It was really a new emotion for me, heartbreak, I mean true heartbreak. But then again, maybe it’s not new. I felt the same way when my dog died.

This was at the turn of the new year, so it’s taken me a minute to write about it because I wanted to write about it in a positive manner, and I was just upset to levels unknown to myself. Had I written this then, I wouldn’t have had a lot of nice things to say about her. Terrible, vile things. But even if they do deserve it, I’m not going to be the one to dish out anger and insults. I have better things to do.

But all in all I just know this. I NEVER EVER EVER want to make anyone feel the way I felt and honestly still do. Even if it’s not working out, that person deserves basic love and respect.

She even told me, “If we’re going to be rubbing our genitals on each other and shit we need to talk about everything.”

I have so many issues that were actually being dealt with and helped with, including the monster known as abandonment issues.

She looked me dead in the eye and said she’d never leave me.

She said I needed professional help with that and a few other issue.

I sure as fuck do now that’s for sure.

I’m not even so mad about breaking up and all. I’m mad that all that personal growth really feels like a lot of wasted time. And there were betrayals at every turn that really put me in a worse place mentally than when I actually started. That pisses me off.

And I have to go ahead and say, she doesn’t represent those in poly relations. Not by a long shot. The people I know in those relationships are some of the happiest people I know. They put a lot of work into it but reap a ton of great benefits. This is just a perfect example on how those relationships shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be jaded or anything, I’ll just write it off as a bad experience that doesn’t represent that whole.

When it comes to be, in a romantic capacity, I’m a naturer, which shouldn’t be much of a surprise to anyone who knows me (Did you eat breakfast, did you take your medicine, are you feeling okay today). But I just hope they return the favor and make me happy… however


So I tend to be nervous as hell and question every move I make. Simply out of fear. Even if there’s really nothing I have to worry about.

It’s like this, it’s not the sex I’m worry about the most. Granted it was good, quite good, the best part was the thought that something thinks I’m cool enough and worthy enough to love all the time. Someone who’s legit excited to see you every day and can’t stop thinking about you. That’s true love and it’s just the coolest thing to experience. And that’s what I want more than anything.

All I can be glad about is that I’m still alive and have my physical health. Here’s to good women… or those that are at least trying to be good.

Do I harbor any hatred? If there’s any it’s only towards certain individuals who were THERE and saw things happening but just ignored it because it wasn’t effecting them yet.

As for the woman… no, I don’t have any hatred at all. I’m sad that she’s missing out on someone like me. Think about it, anyone who’d stick it out with you through those levels of bullshit is a keeper.

I’m worthy of someone, just a matter of who and when. And it’s okay because it’ll happen when it happens.


Streaming? Videos? Actual stuff? Now ain’t that peachy.


Yup, here we are. We got a new setup and truly ready to rock and roll. I can finally document my creative process, as well as play some video games because I need to do that more.

Don’t know so much about the gaming thing though, I might have to just make videos and whatnot if it’s anything online. Internet where I’m at is kinda a crapshoot to put it nicely. But I can try and see how it all goes.

Starting Wednesday, the 27th… you’ll get “Office Hours” at 10am Central Time. And we’ll do this every weekday. I’ll talk about whatever story stuff I have going on, and really I just crave someone to talk to while I’m working.

As far as other games. We’ll see how everything goes. I’ll most likely save a ton of them for videos. But you know, we’ll see who I get to play with me and all that fun stuff.

Now that we’re past all that. What should I play?

And vlogs? I don’t think that’s going to happen except in jest. We’ll see.





























































































































































































































































































































































































































































































ould I play? I already play Fortnite a bit.

Handling One’s Anxiety.

Okay. We’re  doing something a little different today. Its all fun qnd games mostly,  but sometimes its serious  time.

Today is serious time.
I want to talk to you about a problem that im just finally accepting that i need help with.  And i see its quite common around those i happen to observe.


I generally  don’t complain about it because I  dont want my anxiety to define me at all. I’ve always considered talking about it “being a baby”. So i guess  it’s  time to grab a bottle. Because its a real problem. And it really does explain the person i am.

Even this morning,  i was thinking about my job. My job is shitty and the first thing i do when i get home is cry. That isnt fun. I just get overwelmed by the things that happen. All of which are out of my control.  But i cant really  tell folks at the job because they honestly already  make fun of me for looking tired and being stressed out. Of course  this is no joke.
Its made me into what i think is a shell of a person. I reach out to people thinking  i can get some insight. But i generally end up listening to their problems instead. Which is fine, i like helping.

Whether its fighting  game tourney or Roller Derby, it’s painful and scary just to be there. Even though i want to be there and have fun. Im sure they’re nice people. But i just cant bring myself to be there with the other people.  Its overwhelming. But again, i felt like i was being a baby. I wanted to do those things so badly but my own self got in the way.

Its been like this my whole life. Even when i went into the military  they said i had it. But i decided  to tough it out and it turned  into a suicide attempt. Its nothing to take lightly.

I always try and talk to people when they’re suffering depression  or aniity. The two tend to go hand in hand. Just hang and just listen to them talk. It could make all the difference.
And if you can get help. Get it as so as you can. And im around too if you wanna talk about stuff. Listening is the one superpower  i actually got.

What’s New and What’s Going down.

New day, new year. All the bullshit. But hey, it’s all for the better.

Time has been here for a minute to figure out what to do next. I’m back in Chicago so I have a ton resources at my disposal one again.

But there’s a big problem that I was having. I didn’t really know where I belonged. I have this problem where I’m just not posh enough to hang out with the cool kids. Whether it be film, derby, or fighting games. I just never really fit in. No matter how much I wanted to. But it wasn’t all because they weren’t completely nice (some where actually quite cool) but it’s my problem of wanting to be me and no one else. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t kiss ass to anyone, don’t care who they are. Nor will I treat anyone differently than anyone else for any reason.

Which leads me to what I’m doing, we’re expanding what we’re doing.

We’re going to be active on Twitch and Youtube again… as well as Soundcloud now, doing various gaming a podcast type things. Got stuff planned, and it’s going to be fun.

On top of that, we’ll be releasing short films more often and maybe a new series or a feature or something. Dunno, we’re taking larger projects by ear. The focus is going to be on small, self contained things for now as the staff builds.

My intention is to build a space where we can all feel more comfortable being ourselves and making the things we want to make without the fear or necessity of having to conform to elements that might not be worth conforming for. No need to be posh, we’re just here to make cool stuff. It’s what makes us happy and fulfilled.

Not surprisingly I’m not alone in my sentiments.

There’s no doubt at all in what I want to do. I want to make stuff that’s fun. Not only for me but for those watching. That’s always the number one priority. However that can be a little difficult sometimes when you’re trying to make something new. It’s not always going to go the way you want it. But the important thing in the long run is to try and do things differently because you never know, you could be on to something.

But that’s where we’re at now. We’ll make some staff announcements soon. Yay. Let’s go.


See you guys at C2E2.

Story Time

It’s story time. Because I got more writing down and I just wanna go to bed.

People ask me what I do all day, it’s simple I work on stuff.
Now I see a ton of people working on whatever craft it is. And I have to ask, what exactly are they going for and who do they want to be? I could go on and on about metaphorical casting couch all day. But that would be a long and hilarious conversation for another day. Just remind me to kill myself if I ever start to be that vain person.

For me, what I do goes back many many years to kindergarten. I guess being able to read and write at that particular age was a big deal. And I wasn’t eating paste, so that’s good. But I also enjoyed writing stories. People seemed to like them. And that never really stopped.

Then we go forward 14 years to homeless college student me who has to decide between school and starving to death. Of course opting for not staving. I always looked forward to going to the movies on Fridays and spending the day there until I had to go to work. As you know it’s a shitty existence to say the least. But sitting there and losing myself in those movies made everything okay for a little bit.

I really liked that feeling. Kept my life from being a complete shithole instead of half of one.

So after the air force thing and the mental hospital thing (that wasn’t my fault) I started to actually do stuff.

I’m not trying to tell people how they should feel or make some artsy and pretentious when I make a movie. You’re not going to remember those movies in a year usually.

I’m trying to make something that someone can watch and just feel great while watching it. I want to help people in the same way that movies helped me back then, and still do. Not that I don’t like an artsy shmegegge every now and then.

To see people laughing and having a good time, I feel like I did my job. Go me.

I know I’m not the only person who thinks like that but I think I’ll eventually run into them as I continue to make fun stuff for others and try to treat others well.

I’m not a popular guy or even a nice guy. I’m not touchy feely And will never be liked by the masses unless he has something they want (this already happens) But I’m never going to pretend to be something I’m not.

So I’m never blowing people off, I’m always trying to make stuff out of nothing. And it rarely turns into anything.

C-Block: Let’s Talk About The format

Been getting a ton of questions about distribution. How’s it going to work, do you have it lined up… and so forth.

It’s actually quite simple. The web series format is a new breed, but it’s a breed that everyone has access to… if that makes any damn sense at all. I can make everyone as long or short as I need it, and everything I have is mine and is controlled (mostly) by me. Which means you won’t have to go to the middle of nowhere just to see it.

The alternative would be to take it to festival after festival, where barely no one will see it. Sure, by doing so it gets you all kinds of personal accolades, but it doesn’t really do you much good in the long run when people actually want to see your stuff. And since this is crowdfunded, I want to people to see the work being made as soon as I can get it to them. Not a year or so afterwards when I’m done jacking myself off at film festivals you’ve never heard of. i’d be good for me, not for anyone else, especially you, the viewers who have been patient enough as it is.

I’m in the business of fun and entertainment. I just want you guys to have fun to, and as much as possible. Thus, we’re making a web series and getting quality content to you as quickly as humanly possible. The audience is what matters and I know what you want, even if you don’t know it yet.

Now I have to rest because I’m skating tomorrow. Lucky me.

Be sure to donate, so I can make this monster of a series.

I’ll see you all next time.

Here’s the link for you guys. Share it up..

Let’s Waste Some Time: On the movie, leaving leaving for Indiana, and general life lessons. Trying to make movie in Chicago, and other things you may or may not be interested in..

It’s been a crazy time filming this movie, I have to say. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But that’s kind of the way I am. If there’s not challenge then something will always seem off. I feel like it won’t be as awesome as awesome as it could or should. Everything I do I always give a lot more than I should. Why? Because I love what I do.
Why do I do it if it causes you such pain and frustration?
It’s simple. Look at my life. My life sucks. It just sucks. I got a family that hates my guts and has gone as far to try and have me institutionalized (that was a great story). Then you have so called friends that don’t even acknowledge your presence… until of course they need something. Then they feel like talking. It’s pathetic quite frankly. Time and time again

This is why I make movies. I have a unique chance to make people’s lives not suck so much for an hour or two at a time. It’s something I do pretty okay I must say (though I’m sure some would disagree.) But it really makes me feel like I’m contributing something.

It’s never about me. It’s about the project and everyone in it. I do my very best to stand up for my guys. I pay them. Everything about every movie is funded out of my own pocket because I believe in what I’m doing. I put everything into it.

I honestly wish those I work with felt the same  way. It’s a little heartbreaking sometimes but you really have to push through it.. They don’t know how hard you work or that most of their day is, but they’re actors. What do you truly expect right?

So I came to the decision that it’s time to go. There’s really nothing for me here. Much as I like Chicago I don’t really like the people that are in it quite frankly. It just seems like everyone is really full of shit as I’m learning. Lot of talk. Not a lot of doing. And I hate that. The more we talk, that’s less time we have to really get down and dirty and finish things that need to be finished and whatnot. It’s frustrating to say the least.

That’s kinda the deal with trying anything unusual and new. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve had more support abroad for all of my projects than I’ve had in my own city. It’s like I have the plague. No one wants to really be associated with me, and those that do… don’t even really mention me at all. Like I’m nothing. Again, that really sucks but I’ve tried to not let it bother me. Have to have that diamond skin you know.

However, I’m a man of my word. And even though I’m moving to Goshen, Indiana I’m going to travel the 2 hours back quite frequently to finish it. Why? Because I’m a man of my word. And we’re going to finish the damn movie. Happy with anyone or not, I have to get it done because I don’t give up on things because they’re hard. I guess that’s the gamer in me.

But hopefully I can go where people don’t know me, make new friends, and finish school. Then go wherever I please from that point on. It should be fun times ahead. And I’ll be looking forward to watching roller derby and helping Willie because no one knows how to use a camera.


All and all, it took me a number of years, but I’ve come to this conclusion.


It’s not me, it’s them. I’m a nice, cool, guy. Everyone else just sucks and the people I know don’t deserve me.

If feels good to say for once. Fuck being humble. This city is awful and I can’t wait to be away from all these people for a very very long time.