suicide

Welcome to Purgatory: Trying to understand life after trying to take your own.

RS5420_RS5411_Clown's Face-low

Welcome to purgatory my friends.

Of course I mean a mental one, not an actual physical one… or is purgatory purely spiritual? But that’s for another day. I’m simply referring to a negative state of mind you can’t get out of. It feels like you do everything you can, but you just end up right back where you started. Like you’re fenced in by failure, anxiety, or whatever else you might perceive is weighing you down.

You’ll spend your days, not necessarily depressed, but more hopeless. You haven’t given up but you just seem to be spinning your wheels.

In my case, it comes off my suicide attempt. Of course I didn’t die (this was almost 10 years ago now.) But as you’re going through all those failures and hardships, even a decade later, no matter how many good things happened, you’re brought back to this terrible place where you started.

You sit there some days and you just want to die. But you know you’ve already tried that. That shit hurt and didn’t even work out for you then. Maybe you just weren’t meant to die then for whatever reason. But now you know that you’re stuck in this world for the time being whether you want to or not. It’s completely out of your hands.

when-you-wake-up-and-realize-youre-still-alive-wack-9864460

 

What can be done?

People will tell you to “Just get over it”. Well you can’t, this mess is going to haunt you in one way or another for the rest of your life. So there’s no simple fix. Drinking and drugs only mask it.

I honestly can’t tell you. What you can do is take every day one at a time. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the issue, because it’s really not that simple. Everyone’s going to feel the way they’re going to feel. I just choose to work on making other people happy. Movies and stuff are always a great escape for me when I’m at my lowest. So I want to give back that way. And memes, I love to share memes and laughs with others. Not to mention dogs. I love dogs. I love working with them and petting and loving them.

Between those things I find it makes the days almost tolerable.

In the end, I think it’s about making sure no one feels the same terrible way I do every single day of my existence.

Advertisements

Story time: Why in the heck are you making a third movie anyway Joe?

 

Image

 

I think everyone has a moment in their life at a (somewhat young age when they have a good talk or something like that which really gets them towards what they want to and really should be doing.

 

Let’s talk about Barrett again. Yes, the one with that hat. Still love that hat. Money well spent. But he’s going to appear in the last of the series of movies we’ve been working on the past three years.

Those of you who have been following me know that I was actually filming some of this a year ago, when Barrett unfortunately passed on. I was left with the hard choice. Do I recast or do I rewrite? After talking to Alex and John about the issue, we decided to go ahead and write the character out. He was originally going to to be the main villain of this final film. But of course that couldn’t happen without him. And we came to the conclusion you just can’t replace a guy a like Barrett. It just wouldn’t have the same feel.

But let me tell you how we got there.

You may know about the problems we had filming Pump it Up: The Warrior’s Path. If you don’t, just read back a few posts and I’m sure I’ve discussed it at length and don’t want to get into that mess again. That’s like 5 pages worth of stuff. Tell em’ Sweet Brown.

Image

 

Anyway, after Pump it UP: TWP was all said and done, to say I was a little unhappy was quite an understatement. I actually felt like quitting this business all together, and who could actually blame me for that? I’m not really a guy who projects his problems and begs for sympathy. But Barrett gave me a call, he wanted to hang out. So we did just that. During which we were just shooting the same old shit we always had. But he brought up the movie, and was well aware of the goings on. And he told me something that I’ll never forget.
“You really shouldn’t beat yourself up because other people want to be stupid or assume you are. You’re going to be a pretty big deal those people will wish they never messed with you. Let’s just go out there and do it again. Make it bigger and better than before.”

He ended up writing a great deal of the story we’re filming right now. Lot’s of hilarious twists on his character that I really wish we could film.

We continued to talk and I have to say, I haven’t enjoyed a conversation more. We were both really similar, full of ideas. I guess we were just a couple of eccentrics. They’re always hard to understand but always have the coolest and have the best ideas. But again, eccentricity is another topic I should just cover another day.

This entire moment now is crucial. Why?

He was the only person to actually approach me and tell me he had my back. I can’t begin to tell you how good that made me feel then. Gave me the motivation I have now to not give up. It’s really not in my nature anyway. Barrett would have never wanted me to give up so I’m not going to. That, and people said I couldn’t. Which means I really can’t quit. If there’s anything Barrett taught is me is that people can surprise you. Think the best of them that you can and you’ll see their very best. I really don’t think that’s hard but whatever, I deal with humans.

See you all when  we finally get this released in the summer. It’s going to be great.

Why Shouldn’t We Give Up? Your Life is a Team Effort

A little pep talk for you all.

I was talking to a younger colleague of mine not too long ago. They were asking me why we need to keep pressing on, even when things get awful and unbearable. When it seems like everyone has left you and no one seems to care or just flat out don’t care. Well the answer honestly isn’t so easy. The world is mean and awful and dark place.

However, it really doesn’t need to be that way for you. I’m sure there are many wonderful people out there who feel it’s their job to just spread all the wonderfulness around. Why shouldn’t that person just be you?

Everyone in this world is important to somebody. I use this analogy when I talk about making movies. It’s all one big team. Like when you’re playing Basketball… if you only have a team of 4 guys on the court instead of the normal 5. Yes, you may be able to function for a little while, but eventually, that 5th person is going to be needed. You don’t know what exactly it is you’re going to be needed for, but you have to be there for when the time comes.

I have to tell myself this from time. I believe that hard work is important. In making movies, you have many many people who depend on you to do everything to the best of your abilities. You have to be there for those guys so they too can do exactly what they have to do. It’s my only purpose of being on this earth and it’s the only way I can justify my existence. It’s not just a hopeful career for me, it’s more like life support. That’s why I care so deeply for my work, and moreso the people I work with whether they know it or not.

But yes, it’s rather discouraging when people don’t see it or don’t think you’re trying. That’s always the worst. The most you can do is continue to go on about your work, whatever it might be. And just try to brighten the world around you just that much every day. We’re here to make things better right?

I’m here to make these movies and help people have a good time. The world sucks and if I can stop people’s lives from sucking for a little while, that’s just grand. It’s even more than grand… dare I say it’s blessing on both fronts. And I hate that word so you better believe it’s a big thing.

So, just knuckle down and do whatever it is you have to do. It’ll build a better you. A better you is good for everyone around you. That goodness will spread and before you know it, you’ll be living a wonderful life.

This is how I hope things will go for me. Maybe it’ll kill me or maybe it won’t. But frankly I’m not the judge of that.

Merry Christmas you guys.